A Sheep Choose Green Grass

Well, hello again!

I've been trying to write this blog for a couple of days, but it just wouldn't come together. At this point I cannot help but conclude that there is a rather crude similarity to what is happening in my physical body. I have been back on chemo for a week now, double the dose I was on previously in December and January. One of the side effects can be a change in bowel movements. Or should I say, a ceasing of the aforementioned digestatory patterns. Constipation. Yummy.

Writer's block = Constipation. Get it?...

But I will keep pushing hard, it has to come out. ( but not too hard...)

Don't want to pop a screw out of my skull and let my brain ( what's left of it ) leak out!

But I jest.

So the health update is that a week ago, I had another seizure and got taken to the Emergency Department for a few hours. In a wheelchair. By my very own beautiful nurse, Catherine. Ha ha, I got her, you didn't :P God is good! They did blood tests and all that, and gave me some strong painkillers, which I have needed all week, but now the pain feels ok again! Think "morphine". Good times.

This week I have had an MRI Scan, (waiting for results), five days of chemo, three needles and blood tests (these results looked good, thank you Jesus!) I'm on the mend! I have woken up between 3-4am each day. I have been so exhausted at times that I have turned my phone off for hours at a time. When I turn it on, there's always several missed calls and messages! Mission accomplished!

I don't mean to sound depressing, because the fact is, I am far from it! I've never felt more alive! Life has an urgency now. I don't waste my time with negative people. I have a wonderful fiancé, and best mates and we have the party of the century to organize! (Our wedding) and on that topic, the guest list is at 100ish and that's just close friends and family! No cousins, only a handful of close mates and the meal and bar tab is already costing $8000! Now I understand why I haven't been invited to every wedding I expected to over the years! What a rip off! But at least the after party will be big party good times! Rant over!

But as we all know, you only live once, today's the day to make the most of it!

If we wake up again tomorrow, the same thing still holds true.

Love The One who put you here, and love the ones He put you with.

It's only us and our selfish natures which make this difficult. And it's our choice to make it that way. If you disagree, you may be living in delusion. And by definition of "delusion" you wont have any idea that you are deluded. Its a trick of the devil. Some of you will be familiar with the quote that the devil's greatest trick was convincing people that he didn't exist. Possibly, even reading this paragraph wont make sense to you because he has been working very hard to confuse us all since before we were even born! If you are worried about this, then ask God to help you right now! You don't need to go to church to talk to God! Just like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car! Because life is actually very simple. But when we throw our selfish desires into the mix and plans and pride and insecurities, (which come from trying to figure out if we are "OK" Or acceptable, instead of just believing that we are coz God says so) life gets harder.

It's not what happens to you that determines if you have a good life. It's how you choose to respond to it that will determine how good your life will be.

Stop being a sheep, make your own decisions! It stinks being in the middle of a herd of sheep! Make your own mind up to stop following the crowd, and the view is much more spectacular, and the air is far more fresh and healthy. You never know. Other people might follow you and look up to you? And if they don't, well at least YOUR life will change.

Today's the day. If you're depressed, or if you're happy, your choices will keep you feeling the same way until you grow old and die. No one else is going to fix your life. That's up to you and God. He says I have a future and a hope. I choose to believe that every morning. Simple really.

Concrete Pills

Hello there...

Just got back from my third treatment at the hospital. So I've had three chemotherapy sessions and three radiotherapy (RT) sessions now. I'm not radioactive though and I never will be. Just in case you are wearing your lead undies when you hang out with me.

I don't feel any different yet. Actually, I probably feel better if anything, because I am finally doing something, instead of just waiting around and sleeping. I hope it lasts. I think it will, but I really have no idea! This is the first time I've had this happen, I'm no expert at all of this! My doctors were very encouraging, saying I could handle this well, seeing that I am relatively fit and healthy. It's been a long time since someone said something like that to me. I loved it!

Mr Fit N Healthy.

So three down, 27 to go! Thats 10% done! Bring on January 20th! Oh yeah, then a month break, and on my birthday (thanks for the gift) I start six more months of stepped up chemo... OK then, bring on August 20th! Not long to go!


Also, as an aside, if you are finding this whole thing weird and don't know what to say to me or maybe you are uncomfortable and don't know how to talk to me or anything like that, just don't worry! I am still the same person and I love joking around, so maybe you could spend some time thinking up a good tumour or cancer joke and break the ice that way. I am a bit tireder than normal, and want to be alone often so I don't get annoyed with people, but when I'm at church or other social gatherings, like dominating on the backyard cricket front, just be the same and chat about it. I need to talk about it to process and try to figure all this out as well. I can't do that if you won't talk to me! But it's not really a big deal! Just bringing it up in case :)

The fact is, most people whinge about headaches, sore throats, coughs, tiredness, exams, relationships, being poor, being hungry, having an old cellphone, not winning on a computer game, poor refereeing, slow drivers, cold French fries, bird poo on my nice expensive car, rain, heat, cold,

...everything!

I'd like to say "get over it!"

Or possibly, "get over yourself!"

"how dare they drive so slowly in front of me! Do they not know who I am? I'm the centre of the universe! My wants, needs and desires are above all else! I'm gonna overtake them and give them the evils... Oh... It's my Pastor..."

"Hi!" *forced smile and fake wave accompanied by guilt*

I think, if I can handle cancer and other people can handle things far, far worse than that, like when Jesus was tortured and nailed to a cross, then prayed for those who were doing it! we can all probably handle things with a better attitude without getting all snotty and whinging. I'm just saying. To myself as well! Maybe there's something in your life that you could decide to get over?

The End

Oh and by the way, the doctors told me I could be a bit more random now, what with half of my brain being somewhere overseas now. Good luck following my random rants...

That was supposed to be just a quick sidetrack...

I guess what I'm trying say is, I have started. I am a chemo and RT patient. But I still feel normal. Just tired, which can occasionally make me a bit slow. I still haven't had a headache for literally months, or possibly years, it's been a very long time anyway. There's no nausea. Possibly because I have had several anti-nausea tablets today with my chemo, or maybe because I've had thousands of prayers! I reckon a combo of both is a good bet ;)

Thanks for the support, and thanks for reading these blogs, it is actually very encouraging for me to know that hundreds of people care enough to spend time reading my updates! It makes me feel quite good, if I'm gonna be honest!

TTYL (that's me mocking text speak)... LOL

Yippee!

Hello again,

What an interesting last four weeks eh! Today marks the four week anniversary of when it all began. Hard to believe it's only been four weeks. Feels like so much longer...four weeks ago, I knew nothing. Now I stand on the verge of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, daily sickness and tiredness.

As previously stated in earlier blogs, I'm not exactly happy that this has happened to me! But there's no point in sulking about it and wallowing in my bad news. More to the point, two good friends are getting married tomorrow, which is very exciting, and I don't want to draw any attention away from their special day. That would be very selfish and arrogant and I want no part of anything like that!

Furthermore, if you have the temptation to feel sorry for me and become a martyr, then I would rather that you stay away from me. That may sound harsh, but believe me, the last thing I want to do is spend all of my energy trying to cheer up everyone else! I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't expect you to either :)

My life is not over. I'm here for a while yet. Maybe even longer than you! So let's just enjoy our lives together and get over your need to be needed. Don't get me wrong, I need practical help with meals and DVDs and stuff like that, but I would rather you come over and just have fun. If I'm feeling a bit down, just ride it out. It won't last too long!

Consider this your warning ;)

Yeah, the bible tells me that it's good to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. In other words, if I'm fine, don't drag me down, just be fine too, please... If that's too hard for you, then you don't have to come over! And if I'm feeling a bit stink, then don't make it worse by ignoring that and telling me to get over it! If that's your attitude, then you can go find some other friends thanks...

Ooh, I like telling people off hehe...

Tomorrow, at the wedding, it is going to be a day of celebration! I am looking forward to enjoying the day with all of my friends. I don't mind if you ask me how I am, don't feel uncomfortable, it's nothing to feel weird about. I am more than happy to talk to you about it, but as long as you remember that tomorrow is all about the two people getting married and you rejoice with them. Because I am getting my haircut and dressing up in my suit and I'm gonna have a great day celebrating with my friends! Lets have a great time together and rejoice with our friends. They are awesome and this is their big day! I hope they love every second!

I have a couple more weddings in the New Year that I plan on going to and having a great time at as well! They will be fun too! I may be bald by then, but I will still do my best to enjoy myself! Bald people are people too. Don't judge me... Lol

So, for those who I will see tomorrow, let's have a great day celebrating together. And for those who I won't see, why don't you do something that you enjoy? Get your bike out and pump up the tyres, and disappear into the forest, or do some baking with the music cranking, or mow the lawns in your shorts, or have a BBQ and get your friends over... The list is endless!!!

See you tomorrow, or Sunday, or just whenever :)

Live your life!

Weak is Actually Strong

Hi there...

So, it's been pretty much a week since I woke up from my brain surgery, in recovery, not really with it, but glad it was all over! I remember the night quite clearly, because I had four I.V. Lines in my hands and feet, and the nurses were measuring my vital signs every two hours! I struggled to get any sleep, because I had been asleep for almost twenty hours with a couple of hours awake in between. I was still hooked up to a loudly beeping heart machine and had an automatic leg massaging machine constantly and repeatedly massaging my legs. And it just didn't stop. It went on and on. For hours. And all of the next day... I was beginning to wake up and realize where I was. I was still full of anesthetic and I knew that it was a slow road ahead. The food was reliable, if not spectacular, and it's clockwork appearance was a highlight of my days on that prison bed... I couldn't open my jaw to eat my icecream because the surgeons had butchered my muscles on the side on my head! I forgive them. Might stop me eating so much!

Friday night bought fish n chips! I can't tell you how exciting that was. I could have eaten five more meals!

But I didn't. Rightly so. Good decision...

So a couple of days later, the doctor came around and told me that I could go home on Saturday! What the!? I thought I had to spend a week in hospital recovering, yet two days later the all clear was given for me to go home! No one could believe it, but I wasn't really too surprised. I had faith. I was certain of what I had hoped for. I knew I was fine so just expected to go home... It wasn't a big deal...

So on Saturday, I left hospital and spent the weekend at Catherine's flat, then progressed back to my own house after a couple of nights. My face at this stage was completely swollen and I couldn't see out of my own eyes! Gladly, this only lasted for three days and then I was back to normal! Normal looking anyway...

I still have dozens of staples in my head, from one sideburn across to the other, over the top of my head. I can't count them all... Will take a while to take them all out, hopefully that could be tomorrow, but not sure yet. Tomorrow, I go back in to hospital to set up my radiotherapy. I need to have a minimum of six weeks, every day at hospital of radiation being beamed into my brain to kill off any remnants of the tumour that has possibly been missed. I can't drive there myself. I need a ride there every day! There's a lot to organise...

Lucky I'm not allowed to work for a few months...

The doctor says six. We'll see about that...

So, thank you again. I have people bringing me meals. Driving me around. Visiting me. Praying for me. Writing encouraging messages. Making phone calls to me. Doing my housework. Giving me hugs. Sending me cards and emails. I am receiving more offers for assistance than I know what to do with! Please keep it up, I appreciate it, and I really do need it! It is actually pretty tough being stuck at home with no freedom and income and still the same expenses disappearing on a regular basis...

From now 'til New Years, I will be sitting here at home, every single day, until I can get enough energy to get back into the real world again!

Maybe I could write a book?

What's on my mind?

Where do I begin?

About a week ago, this normally healthy young man woke up not feeling too good. When I say normally healthy, I mean, I haven't had a sick day in about five years, haven't even had a headache in a similar length of time. I was one of those annoying people who was always in good condition. I even annoyed myself.

But last Friday, I woke up in a bit of a daze, not in a clear state of mind. Of course, with my track record, I just put it down to a bad sleep, but my boss could tell during the course of our early morning phone call, that I didn't know where I was, or where I had been the day before, or anything! He told me to take the day off, so I went back to bed and woke up mid-afternoon.

A couple of hours later, I ordered pizza and was completely taken by surprise when they turned up half an hour later, as I had no memory of ever even ordering the pizza! So I put it in the fridge and didn't eat it! I can't remember much of that evening, so the next morning I went to the doctor. By this stage, I was almost unable to walk. The doctor recognized some signs from my blood tests and sent me straight to hospital. I had acute renal failure and through my CT scan they had discovered a decent tumour in my brain.

For the next eight days I lay in a hospital bed hooked up to a drip, giving blood and having MRI scans which showed the extent of my brain tumour. This Tuesday night I go back into hospital for a three hour operation to remove part of my skull and part of my brain. The recovery will most likely be long and slow, considering I am not allowed to drive for 12 months either. My life has literally changed overnight with zero warning signs. And it's only just begun. There's a chance of chemotherapy. Of losing memories, and abilities... Etc... But I refuse to dwell on those things. What's the point!

I instead choose to think about other things. For instance, the tumour is at the front of my brain and the access is easy for the doctors. They found it before it was too late. They are incredible at their job. God does miracles. God is our healer. I have thousands of people from all over the planet praying for me. I have had over 50 different people visit me in hospital this week, some of those every day! This is an opportunity and a wake up call to make the most of my life and inspire others. Our society has benefits and insurance to support me while I am unable to work. And I was wise enough to set those up when I bought my house! I have incredible friends and family who are all drawing closer to each other through this time. I am still alive, each day really is a gift and I am far more aware of that now. There's so much good coming out of this, and so much more to come! Look out world!

I have never had an operation, so this will be my first time under general anesthetic. It is a big unknown for me. I wouldn't say that I am afraid. I am more afraid of the needles still, even though I've had about twenty this week! I'm more uncertain, I just have no idea what to expect. Also, I know scores of people are praying for me to have peace, and it's working! Thanks!

So I thought I'd write a blog now so that, just in case I lose my mind, there will be some record of why it happened. Thank you to all those who are supporting me, especially Cat Thompson, and the Crocker family, and my family, friends and church.

This should be an interesting ride.