OK, life lesson time:
Just made a call to WINZ. Was the rudest call centre service that I have ever received. I got of the phone shaking and angry! If you know me, I don't get angry often!
Time to make a choice.
I decided to do MYSELF a favour and forgive her. If you don't forgive someone, it's like swallowing poison and expecting them to die. It's stupid!
(OH THERE HE GOES AGAIN, TALKING ABOUT HIS RELIGIOUS CRAP. YAWN. WELL PLEASE HANG IN THERE. I HANG IN THERE WITH ALL OF YOUR ATHEIST, NEW AGE, ALCOHOLIC... STATUS UPDATES ;) I even prayed for her real quick. Now I feel OK again. God's my Vindicator. He saw what happened! He can fight my battles for injustices, (and the way she treated me was completely unfair!) I just tell him and then carry on on being happy. Was tough to learn this habit, but man! Once you do! Talk about inner peace!
Part of the reason there are so many angry people around is that they CHOOSE not to believe in or trust God, so they try and do his job for him....Good luck! That's way too hard for me. It takes most of your enjoyment out of life, and you have to get drunk, or do drugs to try and feel happy again. I know, I used to live that way too! But I found a way better way! In the bible, God says 'taste and see that I am good!' sadly many people sit on the sideline, going on about how dumb church is and how they don't believe in God without even knowing anything about it!
Well newsflash!
Thousands of people around you go to church and believe in God, but we aren't all the best at sharing that. In fact most of us hide it a bit. We get a bit embarrassed or whatever, coz it's not 'cool' or glamourous on tv, and certainly we are portrayed as a bit weird in mainstream media. In our western culture, certainly NZ, it's ok to believe in whatever you want, because everyone is right (is that logical?) anyway! Ha! And as long as you don't talk about it publically! You can do what you want.
I certainly didn't change my old habits overnight! I'm still far from perfect! But that stuffs not what it's about anyway. You just find after a while that it's just boring! But my real friends, who just love me for who I am, are still around! Remember, going to church is fun and good for you, but really means nothing if you don't pray and trust God for what he did at the first Easter. Easter means freedom. REAL FREEDOM! Not the type of 'freedom' our culture tells us we have. That's just enslavement to our desires. Following them around, doing whatever feels good! They warn us that if you don't do what I want you to do, you will miss out, and feel bad! When we base our lives on feeling good, we will miss out. When we say 'I don't care how I feel, I just want to do what's best, all of a sudden we may feel pretty good! But even if we don't, we should tell our feelings how to feel, they aren't my boss!
You know that song 'fight the feeling?'... I don't ... Is there a song called that? Haha anyway, that's what we have to do. They will get in line and do as they're told, but they just take a little more time than we are prepared to give them. But it happens after a short time, maybe a few days, or weeks, but if you aren't prepared to be a little bit uncomfortable, you'll never get anywhere! Like training for a marathon! I'm sure I wouldn't enjoy that! But winning it?! That'd be sweet! Climbing Everest? I would hate that! But standing on the top? What a high! Wa wa wa ...
Short term pain for long term gain. Please don't just do what feels good! You're better than that! Life can be far more than you imagine if you just choose to do a few things you don't really feel like doing, but you know are the right thing to do. Hey, if it's too hard, there's this Guy who is all powerful and all knowing and omnipresent, who can help you if you want!
I've got visitors, sorry for the rushed finish! Oops!
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Yay? or Neigh?
4:30am. Considering my recent sleeping patterns, this is a nice sleep in. I'm not complaining, after all it's just a side effect of the medication I am on, which is trying to kill me so that I don't die...
Just coz something feels bad, doesn't mean it's bad for you. Conversely, just because something feels good, doesn't mean it's good for you! They are unrelated. Some stuff that makes me sick, like Justin Bieber, Glee, and The Backstreet Boys is bad for you, but other stuff like chemo makes me sick, but is good for me.
Our feelings are a completely unreliable guide as to what's good and bad. Your feelings don't care about whats "right" or "best for you", etc, they can be the traitor within, caring only about themselves, and not you as a whole person.
Our feelings only care about feeling good. Not what's best for us. Don't be led astray by the lies of 'if it feels good, do it', or 'try before you buy'. These are just catchy sayings beamed out through the atheist media to a carefully and systematically dumbed down populace so that we are brainwashed into living a life with few boundaries, wielding a self-righteous battle axe that constantly whooshes "what about me, what about my rights", every time we blindly swing it, in our perpetually defensive mindsets, which are in that state because deep down, we know we are wrong, but the lies telling you to "do what you feel like, it's my right", "everyone else does it" (DO THEY REALLY?) are just too loud to ignore. Every time you listen to a thought and agree with it, it gets louder. A lifetime of the same thoughts gets pretty deeply ingrained and can take time to change.
This is made even more difficult when thousands of people like me have an antidote to this and keep it to themselves. Church is full of selfish hypocrites, that's why I go there, coz I'm one too, and I get help every week to try and not be one. The whole world is full of hypocrites too, people forget that, but it is harder to be a hypocrite when you don't actually have any real standards, that make you any different from anyone else.
That's some good writing there. Did anyone else just feel that small earthquake?
My mum would have. The world's best mum. Hi mum. Love you. Thanks, Aunty Trish for printing this out and taking it to mum so she can read it. She loves it. Or at least she pretends to, to make me feel good ;)
Here's one for ya: don't wait 'til you feel like doing something. Commit to it, then you will feel like doing it. Oprah won't tell you that one.
But really, who cares how I feel? Well, cliched as it is, because it's true, God does. I remember when I first started going to church, about ten years ago, in my early twenties, I didn't feel good at all! To qualify that, I still remember the very first time I went, because I felt this warmth, this life, light and unexplainable joy this feeling of being at home, they told me that was The Holy Spirit. Whatever that was? Ha ha! I was excited, and freaked out too! In fact, I only ever went to our smaller night service of about 100 younger people my age, for about three-four months, because I was far to scared to go to the morning service, with 5-600 people! I was actually physically sick on numerous occasions, because of the fear of the crowds. True story.
About a year or two later, I got up the front and spoke, was leading a small group and was playing drums in our band!
If I'd listened to and obeyed my feelings, who knows what a boring, empty life I would have now! I can't even imagine! As God says, "just taste and see, that I am good" but people don't do that because they don't want to lose their lifestyle, or friends, or they just love getting pissed and partying too much! Take it from me, that life feels good, I was an expert at excess, (three years at a politically correct brainwashing institution / University), but ultimately is just a bit of a band aid over a wounded heart, it will never make you truly happy or whole, but it will distract you weekend to weekend so that you never get around to living a full life. It is a life of treading water, buying time. I don't want to tread water, I want to walk on water... (metaphorically, not literally, for any stubborn, anti-Christian cynics still reading)
It's a gamble. You might lose things. You probably will lose friends and people will judge you. They are usually just jealous of your boldness, and afraid that their little world will be made a bit uncomfortable. I lost several friends. But I also kept several, and made hundreds more! Just like putting $1000 on a horse to win. Handing over the money has all sorts of mixed emotions, fear, excitement, anticipation, doubt, second guessing your decision, living in a state of what happens next... But when your horse comes in first place at odds of infinity to one, and there was actually only one real horse in the race and dozens of cardboard cutout images of horses, you will be overjoyed!
But it's your choice. I used to go to church for the first few months, hungover, or coming down off drugs, (sorry mum, it was years ago), with about two hours sleep. No one gave a crap! Probably, no one even noticed! Coz your heart is all that matters, and that's between you and God. Like I've said before, going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. But if you want to look after your car, it will always be in better condition in the long term, if you keep it in that garage.
My Dad hadn't been to church regularly for probably 40 years. His church was the hundreds of people who needed food, a bed for a while, money for bills, or for a car to get to job interviews. I don't even know half of the good he and mum did over the years, they just kept it all quiet. But sitting by his hospital bed a month or so ago, he knew where he was going, as much as anyone has any idea about it.
If there's no God in heaven, then we are just animals and would be free to just do what other animals do, eat, sex, kill, rape, fight, defacate in our beds, steal other people's stuff because I WANT TO! That whole macro evolution argument has more holes than my favourite undies. But people don't see them, because they DON'T WANT TO! and they are taught evolution as scientific fact, based on some old goats bone. Good evidence... Yeah...
That's so sad
God says "give me an honest go and see what happens". God is love. Love is a choice, and sometimes a feeling. It's your choice. He's already chosen you. Don't worry, our stupid feelings always catch up!
Just coz something feels bad, doesn't mean it's bad for you. Conversely, just because something feels good, doesn't mean it's good for you! They are unrelated. Some stuff that makes me sick, like Justin Bieber, Glee, and The Backstreet Boys is bad for you, but other stuff like chemo makes me sick, but is good for me.
Our feelings are a completely unreliable guide as to what's good and bad. Your feelings don't care about whats "right" or "best for you", etc, they can be the traitor within, caring only about themselves, and not you as a whole person.
Our feelings only care about feeling good. Not what's best for us. Don't be led astray by the lies of 'if it feels good, do it', or 'try before you buy'. These are just catchy sayings beamed out through the atheist media to a carefully and systematically dumbed down populace so that we are brainwashed into living a life with few boundaries, wielding a self-righteous battle axe that constantly whooshes "what about me, what about my rights", every time we blindly swing it, in our perpetually defensive mindsets, which are in that state because deep down, we know we are wrong, but the lies telling you to "do what you feel like, it's my right", "everyone else does it" (DO THEY REALLY?) are just too loud to ignore. Every time you listen to a thought and agree with it, it gets louder. A lifetime of the same thoughts gets pretty deeply ingrained and can take time to change.
This is made even more difficult when thousands of people like me have an antidote to this and keep it to themselves. Church is full of selfish hypocrites, that's why I go there, coz I'm one too, and I get help every week to try and not be one. The whole world is full of hypocrites too, people forget that, but it is harder to be a hypocrite when you don't actually have any real standards, that make you any different from anyone else.
That's some good writing there. Did anyone else just feel that small earthquake?
My mum would have. The world's best mum. Hi mum. Love you. Thanks, Aunty Trish for printing this out and taking it to mum so she can read it. She loves it. Or at least she pretends to, to make me feel good ;)
Here's one for ya: don't wait 'til you feel like doing something. Commit to it, then you will feel like doing it. Oprah won't tell you that one.
But really, who cares how I feel? Well, cliched as it is, because it's true, God does. I remember when I first started going to church, about ten years ago, in my early twenties, I didn't feel good at all! To qualify that, I still remember the very first time I went, because I felt this warmth, this life, light and unexplainable joy this feeling of being at home, they told me that was The Holy Spirit. Whatever that was? Ha ha! I was excited, and freaked out too! In fact, I only ever went to our smaller night service of about 100 younger people my age, for about three-four months, because I was far to scared to go to the morning service, with 5-600 people! I was actually physically sick on numerous occasions, because of the fear of the crowds. True story.
About a year or two later, I got up the front and spoke, was leading a small group and was playing drums in our band!
If I'd listened to and obeyed my feelings, who knows what a boring, empty life I would have now! I can't even imagine! As God says, "just taste and see, that I am good" but people don't do that because they don't want to lose their lifestyle, or friends, or they just love getting pissed and partying too much! Take it from me, that life feels good, I was an expert at excess, (three years at a politically correct brainwashing institution / University), but ultimately is just a bit of a band aid over a wounded heart, it will never make you truly happy or whole, but it will distract you weekend to weekend so that you never get around to living a full life. It is a life of treading water, buying time. I don't want to tread water, I want to walk on water... (metaphorically, not literally, for any stubborn, anti-Christian cynics still reading)
It's a gamble. You might lose things. You probably will lose friends and people will judge you. They are usually just jealous of your boldness, and afraid that their little world will be made a bit uncomfortable. I lost several friends. But I also kept several, and made hundreds more! Just like putting $1000 on a horse to win. Handing over the money has all sorts of mixed emotions, fear, excitement, anticipation, doubt, second guessing your decision, living in a state of what happens next... But when your horse comes in first place at odds of infinity to one, and there was actually only one real horse in the race and dozens of cardboard cutout images of horses, you will be overjoyed!
But it's your choice. I used to go to church for the first few months, hungover, or coming down off drugs, (sorry mum, it was years ago), with about two hours sleep. No one gave a crap! Probably, no one even noticed! Coz your heart is all that matters, and that's between you and God. Like I've said before, going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. But if you want to look after your car, it will always be in better condition in the long term, if you keep it in that garage.
My Dad hadn't been to church regularly for probably 40 years. His church was the hundreds of people who needed food, a bed for a while, money for bills, or for a car to get to job interviews. I don't even know half of the good he and mum did over the years, they just kept it all quiet. But sitting by his hospital bed a month or so ago, he knew where he was going, as much as anyone has any idea about it.
If there's no God in heaven, then we are just animals and would be free to just do what other animals do, eat, sex, kill, rape, fight, defacate in our beds, steal other people's stuff because I WANT TO! That whole macro evolution argument has more holes than my favourite undies. But people don't see them, because they DON'T WANT TO! and they are taught evolution as scientific fact, based on some old goats bone. Good evidence... Yeah...
That's so sad
God says "give me an honest go and see what happens". God is love. Love is a choice, and sometimes a feeling. It's your choice. He's already chosen you. Don't worry, our stupid feelings always catch up!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
A Sheep Choose Green Grass
Well, hello again!
I've been trying to write this blog for a couple of days, but it just wouldn't come together. At this point I cannot help but conclude that there is a rather crude similarity to what is happening in my physical body. I have been back on chemo for a week now, double the dose I was on previously in December and January. One of the side effects can be a change in bowel movements. Or should I say, a ceasing of the aforementioned digestatory patterns. Constipation. Yummy.
Writer's block = Constipation. Get it?...
But I will keep pushing hard, it has to come out. ( but not too hard...)
Don't want to pop a screw out of my skull and let my brain ( what's left of it ) leak out!
But I jest.
So the health update is that a week ago, I had another seizure and got taken to the Emergency Department for a few hours. In a wheelchair. By my very own beautiful nurse, Catherine. Ha ha, I got her, you didn't :P God is good! They did blood tests and all that, and gave me some strong painkillers, which I have needed all week, but now the pain feels ok again! Think "morphine". Good times.
This week I have had an MRI Scan, (waiting for results), five days of chemo, three needles and blood tests (these results looked good, thank you Jesus!) I'm on the mend! I have woken up between 3-4am each day. I have been so exhausted at times that I have turned my phone off for hours at a time. When I turn it on, there's always several missed calls and messages! Mission accomplished!
I don't mean to sound depressing, because the fact is, I am far from it! I've never felt more alive! Life has an urgency now. I don't waste my time with negative people. I have a wonderful fiancé, and best mates and we have the party of the century to organize! (Our wedding) and on that topic, the guest list is at 100ish and that's just close friends and family! No cousins, only a handful of close mates and the meal and bar tab is already costing $8000! Now I understand why I haven't been invited to every wedding I expected to over the years! What a rip off! But at least the after party will be big party good times! Rant over!
But as we all know, you only live once, today's the day to make the most of it!
If we wake up again tomorrow, the same thing still holds true.
Love The One who put you here, and love the ones He put you with.
It's only us and our selfish natures which make this difficult. And it's our choice to make it that way. If you disagree, you may be living in delusion. And by definition of "delusion" you wont have any idea that you are deluded. Its a trick of the devil. Some of you will be familiar with the quote that the devil's greatest trick was convincing people that he didn't exist. Possibly, even reading this paragraph wont make sense to you because he has been working very hard to confuse us all since before we were even born! If you are worried about this, then ask God to help you right now! You don't need to go to church to talk to God! Just like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car! Because life is actually very simple. But when we throw our selfish desires into the mix and plans and pride and insecurities, (which come from trying to figure out if we are "OK" Or acceptable, instead of just believing that we are coz God says so) life gets harder.
It's not what happens to you that determines if you have a good life. It's how you choose to respond to it that will determine how good your life will be.
Stop being a sheep, make your own decisions! It stinks being in the middle of a herd of sheep! Make your own mind up to stop following the crowd, and the view is much more spectacular, and the air is far more fresh and healthy. You never know. Other people might follow you and look up to you? And if they don't, well at least YOUR life will change.
Today's the day. If you're depressed, or if you're happy, your choices will keep you feeling the same way until you grow old and die. No one else is going to fix your life. That's up to you and God. He says I have a future and a hope. I choose to believe that every morning. Simple really.
I've been trying to write this blog for a couple of days, but it just wouldn't come together. At this point I cannot help but conclude that there is a rather crude similarity to what is happening in my physical body. I have been back on chemo for a week now, double the dose I was on previously in December and January. One of the side effects can be a change in bowel movements. Or should I say, a ceasing of the aforementioned digestatory patterns. Constipation. Yummy.
Writer's block = Constipation. Get it?...
But I will keep pushing hard, it has to come out. ( but not too hard...)
Don't want to pop a screw out of my skull and let my brain ( what's left of it ) leak out!
But I jest.
So the health update is that a week ago, I had another seizure and got taken to the Emergency Department for a few hours. In a wheelchair. By my very own beautiful nurse, Catherine. Ha ha, I got her, you didn't :P God is good! They did blood tests and all that, and gave me some strong painkillers, which I have needed all week, but now the pain feels ok again! Think "morphine". Good times.
This week I have had an MRI Scan, (waiting for results), five days of chemo, three needles and blood tests (these results looked good, thank you Jesus!) I'm on the mend! I have woken up between 3-4am each day. I have been so exhausted at times that I have turned my phone off for hours at a time. When I turn it on, there's always several missed calls and messages! Mission accomplished!
I don't mean to sound depressing, because the fact is, I am far from it! I've never felt more alive! Life has an urgency now. I don't waste my time with negative people. I have a wonderful fiancé, and best mates and we have the party of the century to organize! (Our wedding) and on that topic, the guest list is at 100ish and that's just close friends and family! No cousins, only a handful of close mates and the meal and bar tab is already costing $8000! Now I understand why I haven't been invited to every wedding I expected to over the years! What a rip off! But at least the after party will be big party good times! Rant over!
But as we all know, you only live once, today's the day to make the most of it!
If we wake up again tomorrow, the same thing still holds true.
Love The One who put you here, and love the ones He put you with.
It's only us and our selfish natures which make this difficult. And it's our choice to make it that way. If you disagree, you may be living in delusion. And by definition of "delusion" you wont have any idea that you are deluded. Its a trick of the devil. Some of you will be familiar with the quote that the devil's greatest trick was convincing people that he didn't exist. Possibly, even reading this paragraph wont make sense to you because he has been working very hard to confuse us all since before we were even born! If you are worried about this, then ask God to help you right now! You don't need to go to church to talk to God! Just like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car! Because life is actually very simple. But when we throw our selfish desires into the mix and plans and pride and insecurities, (which come from trying to figure out if we are "OK" Or acceptable, instead of just believing that we are coz God says so) life gets harder.
It's not what happens to you that determines if you have a good life. It's how you choose to respond to it that will determine how good your life will be.
Stop being a sheep, make your own decisions! It stinks being in the middle of a herd of sheep! Make your own mind up to stop following the crowd, and the view is much more spectacular, and the air is far more fresh and healthy. You never know. Other people might follow you and look up to you? And if they don't, well at least YOUR life will change.
Today's the day. If you're depressed, or if you're happy, your choices will keep you feeling the same way until you grow old and die. No one else is going to fix your life. That's up to you and God. He says I have a future and a hope. I choose to believe that every morning. Simple really.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Appointlessments.
All right then, I'll write another blog... It's been a few days hasn't it.
Went to the hospital this afternoon, to start my treatments. To cut a long story short, they weren't organised. So they said sorry. We will try to start your radiotherapy and chemo next Monday instead. It's a bit frustrating, considering I was supposed to start last Monday, and things just keep getting delayed because the various departments haven't communicated and coordinated with each other. I've organised drivers and attended two pointless appointments at hospital in the last few days. In addition to this, they have also changed all of my treatment times twice.
I call them "appointlessments".
Also, today one of my radiotherapists said that I may not need chemotherapy after all! I've learnt by now just to wait and see thanks. Life doesn't have to be a roller coaster. Just focus on the hope you have for your future and do what you have to to get there. You don't have to go up and down with every little bit of news that you are given. I acknowledge it, I don't live in denial, but I don't let my moods and emotions follow what other people tell me. That's like being lost at sea and blown around by the wind and waves. Anchor your soul with hope. You don't have to drown in an ocean of negative emotions.
Ooh, I like that...
But, all of this disorganization is understandable, considering Tony Ryall is the minister of health, the man in charge at the top. Bless his heart...
But I jest. Forgive me ;)
In actual fact, the staff at the hospital couldn't be more pleasant to deal with, I have had nothing but great service, which has exceeded my expectations and made things far easier than I would've expected. You should try it out some time. Maybe fake some serious health problems and enjoy the ride. Especially the jelly and icecream. It needs to be seen to be believed.
Also, my friends and family have brought a tear to my eye by how much care they have shown me. If I haven't thanked you or returned your texts and calls, sorry, consider this your thanks. I have had so many offers of help, it has almost overwhelmed me! I guess if I was to say one thing, it would be that I need your help for a few months yet. I will be at hospital every day. I will prob lose my hair and be sick. My sickness benefit starts this week and it's only about the same as my mortgage payments each week, so it's gonna be tough to get by. Not just this week! But much of next year as well.
So, please don't forget me, but on the other side, one or two meals a month, or rides, or visits etc and I will be a busy boy! Also, I am pretty exhausted after around 8pm, so I'm sorry if I come for dinner and then zone out on the couch! Maybe earlier dinners would work best...?
Just some helpful hints that I have learnt in the last few weeks. Lol
Yeah, you all know that life sucks some times, I'm not the only one to have had serious health problems, but no matter how bad things get, there are always so many more things to be thankful for and to enjoy. Im tired, but I don't have to cook tonight! I have to go to hospital again tomorrow, but I get to see my best mate! Etc
Life's not about comfort, that a lie. It's about loving God and loving other people, and that's not always comfortable! But I'm so glad that people love me, and that God loves me. I can't imagine going through this without them.
It's all worth it in the end
Went to the hospital this afternoon, to start my treatments. To cut a long story short, they weren't organised. So they said sorry. We will try to start your radiotherapy and chemo next Monday instead. It's a bit frustrating, considering I was supposed to start last Monday, and things just keep getting delayed because the various departments haven't communicated and coordinated with each other. I've organised drivers and attended two pointless appointments at hospital in the last few days. In addition to this, they have also changed all of my treatment times twice.
I call them "appointlessments".
Also, today one of my radiotherapists said that I may not need chemotherapy after all! I've learnt by now just to wait and see thanks. Life doesn't have to be a roller coaster. Just focus on the hope you have for your future and do what you have to to get there. You don't have to go up and down with every little bit of news that you are given. I acknowledge it, I don't live in denial, but I don't let my moods and emotions follow what other people tell me. That's like being lost at sea and blown around by the wind and waves. Anchor your soul with hope. You don't have to drown in an ocean of negative emotions.
Ooh, I like that...
But, all of this disorganization is understandable, considering Tony Ryall is the minister of health, the man in charge at the top. Bless his heart...
But I jest. Forgive me ;)
In actual fact, the staff at the hospital couldn't be more pleasant to deal with, I have had nothing but great service, which has exceeded my expectations and made things far easier than I would've expected. You should try it out some time. Maybe fake some serious health problems and enjoy the ride. Especially the jelly and icecream. It needs to be seen to be believed.
Also, my friends and family have brought a tear to my eye by how much care they have shown me. If I haven't thanked you or returned your texts and calls, sorry, consider this your thanks. I have had so many offers of help, it has almost overwhelmed me! I guess if I was to say one thing, it would be that I need your help for a few months yet. I will be at hospital every day. I will prob lose my hair and be sick. My sickness benefit starts this week and it's only about the same as my mortgage payments each week, so it's gonna be tough to get by. Not just this week! But much of next year as well.
So, please don't forget me, but on the other side, one or two meals a month, or rides, or visits etc and I will be a busy boy! Also, I am pretty exhausted after around 8pm, so I'm sorry if I come for dinner and then zone out on the couch! Maybe earlier dinners would work best...?
Just some helpful hints that I have learnt in the last few weeks. Lol
Yeah, you all know that life sucks some times, I'm not the only one to have had serious health problems, but no matter how bad things get, there are always so many more things to be thankful for and to enjoy. Im tired, but I don't have to cook tonight! I have to go to hospital again tomorrow, but I get to see my best mate! Etc
Life's not about comfort, that a lie. It's about loving God and loving other people, and that's not always comfortable! But I'm so glad that people love me, and that God loves me. I can't imagine going through this without them.
It's all worth it in the end
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wait Issues
Hello...
Last Friday, I went in for another MRI. This was a post operative scan to see how the surgery went, and from those results, the medical staff could plan my future treatment. Originally, I was scheduled to come in on Monday the 5th of december, to have my first session of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, but after the results of the MRI, they put this back until thursday the 8th of december. Although I am getting a bit sick of waiting around at home, I am still happy with this news. This tells me that the six weeks, then six months of follow up treatment, although important, is not urgent. In other words, if I had some stuff still left in my head that urgently needed to start coming out, then they would've got me in there to get started. So the delay is actually good news, even though it drags things out for a few more days. Thursday 8th of December at 2pm is now the first session. Then 1:50pm on Friday. Looking forward to it...
In case you're wondering, each time I go in for a treatment session, I get a free car parking voucher to put on the car's dashboard. So we don't have to pay for parking! Good! basically, it will work like this: you drive around to the Oncology Department, drop me off, I go in, I get the voucher, I come out (to the car...), give you the voucher, then you go find a car park while I go in and wait. Then you come in and wait, or do whatever you want for a few minutes, like go get yourself a coffee, or some personal grooming, or do some donuts in the car park etc... Or you could come in and wait in the waiting room. We'll see what works best?
Then... Every weekday for six weeks, I have to go in for treatment. Usually this will take no more than one hour at a time, then I can go home and relax again. This will go all the way through Christmas holidays until late January. Ive had a few very generous offers of assistance, so thanks to those people, (you know who you are!) I owe you big time! They have given me the times for the following week as well, but as these could possibly change, I will just keep these to myself for now. Maybe next week I will broadcast them into Blogland for my knights in shining armour to come and rescue me. Thank you in advance to all those who can help.
Following this initial six week intensive schedule, I have six months of chemotherapy. This involves taking pills every day for a week, then having three weeks off to feel sick etc. Just as I start to feel better, I have to take the pills again for another week. And so on. For six months. Yay... That will be fun... I don't know too much about this stage of things, so I'll just leave it at that. Also, I am taking four pills each night to stop me having another seizure. Working so far ;)
Oh yeah. No driving for 12 months. Time I sorted out my bike! If I'm allowed to that is!
So, lots of waiting. No going out. Lots of time sitting on the couch. Getting SkyTV installed tomorrow. Can't afford it. Will just have to make some cutbacks somewhere, but as I am no longer doing a physical job, hopefully I can adjust my diet to eat less and spend less on food. Don't want any wait issues. I've got a marathon to run ;) A very good friend has shouted me a Fatso DVD subscription, which I have already ordered about 30 movies from! My cousin dropped off dozens of movies yesterday as well. Id better stop there, coz i'll forget someone! I love the advice I am getting from those who have been here before, so thanks for that, I really appreciate your help, even if I have lost a bit of my short term memory at the moment and forgotten to thank you each individually! God won't forget, even if I seem to for a while. I am honestly touched by your acts of love and kindness. I'll pay you back... Honest... :p
Waiting has thrown up all kinds of issues. (maybe not the best weigh of putting it). (yes my spelling mistakes are intentional). ( more bracketed comments)
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, sunbathing. Please pray for sunshine so I can lie around outside on my deck and get rid of my nasty ankle tan lines. I have been working on these for about five years, so I don't expect fast results, but considering I have a few months of resting at home, I intend to pursue them until the bitter end. White feet are not cool, and now is the hour for their demise. They have had their time in the sun (or not) and that has come to an end. If you wish to say goodbye to my white feet, send me a text and you can come and visit them. They won't be here forever, so don't take them for granted.
Ooh, I think I see some blue skies starting to break through.
I have work to do!
Last Friday, I went in for another MRI. This was a post operative scan to see how the surgery went, and from those results, the medical staff could plan my future treatment. Originally, I was scheduled to come in on Monday the 5th of december, to have my first session of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, but after the results of the MRI, they put this back until thursday the 8th of december. Although I am getting a bit sick of waiting around at home, I am still happy with this news. This tells me that the six weeks, then six months of follow up treatment, although important, is not urgent. In other words, if I had some stuff still left in my head that urgently needed to start coming out, then they would've got me in there to get started. So the delay is actually good news, even though it drags things out for a few more days. Thursday 8th of December at 2pm is now the first session. Then 1:50pm on Friday. Looking forward to it...
In case you're wondering, each time I go in for a treatment session, I get a free car parking voucher to put on the car's dashboard. So we don't have to pay for parking! Good! basically, it will work like this: you drive around to the Oncology Department, drop me off, I go in, I get the voucher, I come out (to the car...), give you the voucher, then you go find a car park while I go in and wait. Then you come in and wait, or do whatever you want for a few minutes, like go get yourself a coffee, or some personal grooming, or do some donuts in the car park etc... Or you could come in and wait in the waiting room. We'll see what works best?
Then... Every weekday for six weeks, I have to go in for treatment. Usually this will take no more than one hour at a time, then I can go home and relax again. This will go all the way through Christmas holidays until late January. Ive had a few very generous offers of assistance, so thanks to those people, (you know who you are!) I owe you big time! They have given me the times for the following week as well, but as these could possibly change, I will just keep these to myself for now. Maybe next week I will broadcast them into Blogland for my knights in shining armour to come and rescue me. Thank you in advance to all those who can help.
Following this initial six week intensive schedule, I have six months of chemotherapy. This involves taking pills every day for a week, then having three weeks off to feel sick etc. Just as I start to feel better, I have to take the pills again for another week. And so on. For six months. Yay... That will be fun... I don't know too much about this stage of things, so I'll just leave it at that. Also, I am taking four pills each night to stop me having another seizure. Working so far ;)
Oh yeah. No driving for 12 months. Time I sorted out my bike! If I'm allowed to that is!
So, lots of waiting. No going out. Lots of time sitting on the couch. Getting SkyTV installed tomorrow. Can't afford it. Will just have to make some cutbacks somewhere, but as I am no longer doing a physical job, hopefully I can adjust my diet to eat less and spend less on food. Don't want any wait issues. I've got a marathon to run ;) A very good friend has shouted me a Fatso DVD subscription, which I have already ordered about 30 movies from! My cousin dropped off dozens of movies yesterday as well. Id better stop there, coz i'll forget someone! I love the advice I am getting from those who have been here before, so thanks for that, I really appreciate your help, even if I have lost a bit of my short term memory at the moment and forgotten to thank you each individually! God won't forget, even if I seem to for a while. I am honestly touched by your acts of love and kindness. I'll pay you back... Honest... :p
Waiting has thrown up all kinds of issues. (maybe not the best weigh of putting it). (yes my spelling mistakes are intentional). ( more bracketed comments)
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, sunbathing. Please pray for sunshine so I can lie around outside on my deck and get rid of my nasty ankle tan lines. I have been working on these for about five years, so I don't expect fast results, but considering I have a few months of resting at home, I intend to pursue them until the bitter end. White feet are not cool, and now is the hour for their demise. They have had their time in the sun (or not) and that has come to an end. If you wish to say goodbye to my white feet, send me a text and you can come and visit them. They won't be here forever, so don't take them for granted.
Ooh, I think I see some blue skies starting to break through.
I have work to do!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Yippee!
Hello again,
What an interesting last four weeks eh! Today marks the four week anniversary of when it all began. Hard to believe it's only been four weeks. Feels like so much longer...four weeks ago, I knew nothing. Now I stand on the verge of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, daily sickness and tiredness.
As previously stated in earlier blogs, I'm not exactly happy that this has happened to me! But there's no point in sulking about it and wallowing in my bad news. More to the point, two good friends are getting married tomorrow, which is very exciting, and I don't want to draw any attention away from their special day. That would be very selfish and arrogant and I want no part of anything like that!
Furthermore, if you have the temptation to feel sorry for me and become a martyr, then I would rather that you stay away from me. That may sound harsh, but believe me, the last thing I want to do is spend all of my energy trying to cheer up everyone else! I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't expect you to either :)
My life is not over. I'm here for a while yet. Maybe even longer than you! So let's just enjoy our lives together and get over your need to be needed. Don't get me wrong, I need practical help with meals and DVDs and stuff like that, but I would rather you come over and just have fun. If I'm feeling a bit down, just ride it out. It won't last too long!
Consider this your warning ;)
Yeah, the bible tells me that it's good to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. In other words, if I'm fine, don't drag me down, just be fine too, please... If that's too hard for you, then you don't have to come over! And if I'm feeling a bit stink, then don't make it worse by ignoring that and telling me to get over it! If that's your attitude, then you can go find some other friends thanks...
Ooh, I like telling people off hehe...
Tomorrow, at the wedding, it is going to be a day of celebration! I am looking forward to enjoying the day with all of my friends. I don't mind if you ask me how I am, don't feel uncomfortable, it's nothing to feel weird about. I am more than happy to talk to you about it, but as long as you remember that tomorrow is all about the two people getting married and you rejoice with them. Because I am getting my haircut and dressing up in my suit and I'm gonna have a great day celebrating with my friends! Lets have a great time together and rejoice with our friends. They are awesome and this is their big day! I hope they love every second!
I have a couple more weddings in the New Year that I plan on going to and having a great time at as well! They will be fun too! I may be bald by then, but I will still do my best to enjoy myself! Bald people are people too. Don't judge me... Lol
So, for those who I will see tomorrow, let's have a great day celebrating together. And for those who I won't see, why don't you do something that you enjoy? Get your bike out and pump up the tyres, and disappear into the forest, or do some baking with the music cranking, or mow the lawns in your shorts, or have a BBQ and get your friends over... The list is endless!!!
See you tomorrow, or Sunday, or just whenever :)
Live your life!
What an interesting last four weeks eh! Today marks the four week anniversary of when it all began. Hard to believe it's only been four weeks. Feels like so much longer...four weeks ago, I knew nothing. Now I stand on the verge of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, daily sickness and tiredness.
As previously stated in earlier blogs, I'm not exactly happy that this has happened to me! But there's no point in sulking about it and wallowing in my bad news. More to the point, two good friends are getting married tomorrow, which is very exciting, and I don't want to draw any attention away from their special day. That would be very selfish and arrogant and I want no part of anything like that!
Furthermore, if you have the temptation to feel sorry for me and become a martyr, then I would rather that you stay away from me. That may sound harsh, but believe me, the last thing I want to do is spend all of my energy trying to cheer up everyone else! I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't expect you to either :)
My life is not over. I'm here for a while yet. Maybe even longer than you! So let's just enjoy our lives together and get over your need to be needed. Don't get me wrong, I need practical help with meals and DVDs and stuff like that, but I would rather you come over and just have fun. If I'm feeling a bit down, just ride it out. It won't last too long!
Consider this your warning ;)
Yeah, the bible tells me that it's good to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. In other words, if I'm fine, don't drag me down, just be fine too, please... If that's too hard for you, then you don't have to come over! And if I'm feeling a bit stink, then don't make it worse by ignoring that and telling me to get over it! If that's your attitude, then you can go find some other friends thanks...
Ooh, I like telling people off hehe...
Tomorrow, at the wedding, it is going to be a day of celebration! I am looking forward to enjoying the day with all of my friends. I don't mind if you ask me how I am, don't feel uncomfortable, it's nothing to feel weird about. I am more than happy to talk to you about it, but as long as you remember that tomorrow is all about the two people getting married and you rejoice with them. Because I am getting my haircut and dressing up in my suit and I'm gonna have a great day celebrating with my friends! Lets have a great time together and rejoice with our friends. They are awesome and this is their big day! I hope they love every second!
I have a couple more weddings in the New Year that I plan on going to and having a great time at as well! They will be fun too! I may be bald by then, but I will still do my best to enjoy myself! Bald people are people too. Don't judge me... Lol
So, for those who I will see tomorrow, let's have a great day celebrating together. And for those who I won't see, why don't you do something that you enjoy? Get your bike out and pump up the tyres, and disappear into the forest, or do some baking with the music cranking, or mow the lawns in your shorts, or have a BBQ and get your friends over... The list is endless!!!
See you tomorrow, or Sunday, or just whenever :)
Live your life!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Will You Open Your Gift?
Well, I had another meeting at hospital yesterday. It was at 12PM. It took just under an hour. It was with my doctor. Not my surgeon. That was the day before. The doctor said mostly similar things, but was a bit more precise with the prognosis. Where my surgeon, who did the operation, told me I have between 2-10 years, my doctor told me that I probably have about 3 years left before the tumour returns and takes my life.
Not good news. But you know what? I don't care what the doctor says. Sure, I respect their opinion etc, but I have faith that I can keep on living for many more years! Yep, I could be completely wrong. But you know what... If I decide that I have three years, then I will end up waiting around to die. I will end up focussing on how long I have left and it may very well become a self fulfilling prophecy.
What's the point of that!
I could very well out live many of you reading this, the only difference is that I have some warning about when it may happen. You may just have a heart attack or choke on your wife's brownies, and then it's all over!
In a week or so, I start my chemotherapy and radiotherapy, where my hair will start to fall out and I will want to sleep for a couple of months, but that's all part if the adventure isn't it? I have a chance to write my 'bucket list' and live the last years of my life to the fullest! Time to make a difference. Time to leave a legacy. Time to change people's lives.
I'm sure that this may be quite hard for you to get your head around, trust me, I know! Try getting your head around something that is literally inside your head! It's raining at the moment. Will this be the last time I see rain? Should I go outside and sit in it? How do I handle this? Maybe I have 30 years left? Who knows! I have been told I have about three. What does that mean? Do I? How do I spend the time I have left? I take my kiwisaver out and make some memorable plans! That's one decision I have made!
Why me?
Why NOT?
This is such a valuable opportunity that I am grateful to have been given. Sure, I would gladly swap for someone else and live for another 50 years! And that could very well happen! But there's also a chance that it won't happen. I have to be real about it as well as live by faith. I'm not stupid. But I also realize that God is the only one who really knows what is going to happen! I can focus on what I want to happen, I can pray about it and set goals and so on, but ultimately, it's all up to him. I have decided to just accept his plan, and make the most of this warning I have been given!
My attitude is "let's just do it!"
What's yours? You don't have forever you know. Maybe you could decide to stop living like you do? Make the most of today. Every day you wake up and get out of bed is a gift. The Present.
Will you open your gift?
Not good news. But you know what? I don't care what the doctor says. Sure, I respect their opinion etc, but I have faith that I can keep on living for many more years! Yep, I could be completely wrong. But you know what... If I decide that I have three years, then I will end up waiting around to die. I will end up focussing on how long I have left and it may very well become a self fulfilling prophecy.
What's the point of that!
I could very well out live many of you reading this, the only difference is that I have some warning about when it may happen. You may just have a heart attack or choke on your wife's brownies, and then it's all over!
In a week or so, I start my chemotherapy and radiotherapy, where my hair will start to fall out and I will want to sleep for a couple of months, but that's all part if the adventure isn't it? I have a chance to write my 'bucket list' and live the last years of my life to the fullest! Time to make a difference. Time to leave a legacy. Time to change people's lives.
I'm sure that this may be quite hard for you to get your head around, trust me, I know! Try getting your head around something that is literally inside your head! It's raining at the moment. Will this be the last time I see rain? Should I go outside and sit in it? How do I handle this? Maybe I have 30 years left? Who knows! I have been told I have about three. What does that mean? Do I? How do I spend the time I have left? I take my kiwisaver out and make some memorable plans! That's one decision I have made!
Why me?
Why NOT?
This is such a valuable opportunity that I am grateful to have been given. Sure, I would gladly swap for someone else and live for another 50 years! And that could very well happen! But there's also a chance that it won't happen. I have to be real about it as well as live by faith. I'm not stupid. But I also realize that God is the only one who really knows what is going to happen! I can focus on what I want to happen, I can pray about it and set goals and so on, but ultimately, it's all up to him. I have decided to just accept his plan, and make the most of this warning I have been given!
My attitude is "let's just do it!"
What's yours? You don't have forever you know. Maybe you could decide to stop living like you do? Make the most of today. Every day you wake up and get out of bed is a gift. The Present.
Will you open your gift?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Appreciation is Back!!!
I have a sore back. No surprise to my friends there. Continuous whinging and manipulation for another back rub are a staple diet for those in my circle of friends. Of course me being the selfish person that I am, I never give them back.
What I have at the moment is a bit more than the ordinary sore back that I usually carry around because of the physical nature of my job,(Or does it carry me around?.. anyway..). This one is apparently a "chronic back fatigue". Thankyou for that apt description Mrs Physio. Kind of like a long term build up of back badness. I have been experiencing varying degrees of discomfort throughout the day, for the last three weeks or so. The pain ranges from a mild throbbing all the way up to pins and needles down my legs, sharp pains that make my eyes water and I have fallen over a couple of times when moving around. Coupled with my prideful stubbornness that refuses to ask for help, or take a sick day, this really is a pain in my etc... literally.
This got me thinking. We take our health for granted. We take many things for granted and we often don't realise how good we had it until it is gone. My back, for example, holds me up and basically enables me to do anything I want. Walk, run, lift, boogie-on-down, you get the point.
If I had understood and appreciated what my back was doing for me all these years, then I would probably have been much more careful with it and looked after it and been much more thankful for it. But because I abused it, took it for granted and hardly ever maintained it's health, its strength has been taken away from me and now I have to work really hard, in pain, financially etc, to restore it back to health.
As you know, if you ever bought a new car, it DEpreciates in value over time until it is worth a fraction of its original price. Imagine if you bought a new car and it began GAINING in value over time! Well that's what appreciation does. The more you stop taking something or someone for granted and start appreciating them, the more they feel their value increase. Every human is infintely valuable to God, but most of us don't feel that way all the time. By showing someone that you appreciate them, they can start to FEEL a bit more valuable. Like they deserve to. That's the power of appreciation.
What, or who, is there in your life that you take for granted? It is a far better thing to do to be thankful for them and to appreciate them, than to suddenly have a mess to clean up because you didn't put the effort in.
Oh, by the way, this wasn't a manipulative effort to gain more friendly back rubs. I am trying to stop doing that!;)
What I have at the moment is a bit more than the ordinary sore back that I usually carry around because of the physical nature of my job,(Or does it carry me around?.. anyway..). This one is apparently a "chronic back fatigue". Thankyou for that apt description Mrs Physio. Kind of like a long term build up of back badness. I have been experiencing varying degrees of discomfort throughout the day, for the last three weeks or so. The pain ranges from a mild throbbing all the way up to pins and needles down my legs, sharp pains that make my eyes water and I have fallen over a couple of times when moving around. Coupled with my prideful stubbornness that refuses to ask for help, or take a sick day, this really is a pain in my etc... literally.
This got me thinking. We take our health for granted. We take many things for granted and we often don't realise how good we had it until it is gone. My back, for example, holds me up and basically enables me to do anything I want. Walk, run, lift, boogie-on-down, you get the point.
If I had understood and appreciated what my back was doing for me all these years, then I would probably have been much more careful with it and looked after it and been much more thankful for it. But because I abused it, took it for granted and hardly ever maintained it's health, its strength has been taken away from me and now I have to work really hard, in pain, financially etc, to restore it back to health.
As you know, if you ever bought a new car, it DEpreciates in value over time until it is worth a fraction of its original price. Imagine if you bought a new car and it began GAINING in value over time! Well that's what appreciation does. The more you stop taking something or someone for granted and start appreciating them, the more they feel their value increase. Every human is infintely valuable to God, but most of us don't feel that way all the time. By showing someone that you appreciate them, they can start to FEEL a bit more valuable. Like they deserve to. That's the power of appreciation.
What, or who, is there in your life that you take for granted? It is a far better thing to do to be thankful for them and to appreciate them, than to suddenly have a mess to clean up because you didn't put the effort in.
Oh, by the way, this wasn't a manipulative effort to gain more friendly back rubs. I am trying to stop doing that!;)
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