A Sheep Choose Green Grass

Well, hello again!

I've been trying to write this blog for a couple of days, but it just wouldn't come together. At this point I cannot help but conclude that there is a rather crude similarity to what is happening in my physical body. I have been back on chemo for a week now, double the dose I was on previously in December and January. One of the side effects can be a change in bowel movements. Or should I say, a ceasing of the aforementioned digestatory patterns. Constipation. Yummy.

Writer's block = Constipation. Get it?...

But I will keep pushing hard, it has to come out. ( but not too hard...)

Don't want to pop a screw out of my skull and let my brain ( what's left of it ) leak out!

But I jest.

So the health update is that a week ago, I had another seizure and got taken to the Emergency Department for a few hours. In a wheelchair. By my very own beautiful nurse, Catherine. Ha ha, I got her, you didn't :P God is good! They did blood tests and all that, and gave me some strong painkillers, which I have needed all week, but now the pain feels ok again! Think "morphine". Good times.

This week I have had an MRI Scan, (waiting for results), five days of chemo, three needles and blood tests (these results looked good, thank you Jesus!) I'm on the mend! I have woken up between 3-4am each day. I have been so exhausted at times that I have turned my phone off for hours at a time. When I turn it on, there's always several missed calls and messages! Mission accomplished!

I don't mean to sound depressing, because the fact is, I am far from it! I've never felt more alive! Life has an urgency now. I don't waste my time with negative people. I have a wonderful fiancé, and best mates and we have the party of the century to organize! (Our wedding) and on that topic, the guest list is at 100ish and that's just close friends and family! No cousins, only a handful of close mates and the meal and bar tab is already costing $8000! Now I understand why I haven't been invited to every wedding I expected to over the years! What a rip off! But at least the after party will be big party good times! Rant over!

But as we all know, you only live once, today's the day to make the most of it!

If we wake up again tomorrow, the same thing still holds true.

Love The One who put you here, and love the ones He put you with.

It's only us and our selfish natures which make this difficult. And it's our choice to make it that way. If you disagree, you may be living in delusion. And by definition of "delusion" you wont have any idea that you are deluded. Its a trick of the devil. Some of you will be familiar with the quote that the devil's greatest trick was convincing people that he didn't exist. Possibly, even reading this paragraph wont make sense to you because he has been working very hard to confuse us all since before we were even born! If you are worried about this, then ask God to help you right now! You don't need to go to church to talk to God! Just like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car! Because life is actually very simple. But when we throw our selfish desires into the mix and plans and pride and insecurities, (which come from trying to figure out if we are "OK" Or acceptable, instead of just believing that we are coz God says so) life gets harder.

It's not what happens to you that determines if you have a good life. It's how you choose to respond to it that will determine how good your life will be.

Stop being a sheep, make your own decisions! It stinks being in the middle of a herd of sheep! Make your own mind up to stop following the crowd, and the view is much more spectacular, and the air is far more fresh and healthy. You never know. Other people might follow you and look up to you? And if they don't, well at least YOUR life will change.

Today's the day. If you're depressed, or if you're happy, your choices will keep you feeling the same way until you grow old and die. No one else is going to fix your life. That's up to you and God. He says I have a future and a hope. I choose to believe that every morning. Simple really.

Birthday

It's my birthday! Yay!

What a year!

21 years ago, I was born! And the world has been in trouble ever since! 21 years ago, a brand new person came into the world. I don't have many memories of the day, and those that I do have are a little bit graphic, so I will keep them to myself. ( All the visual people feel a bit grossed out at this point, sorry).

With all the ups and downs I've been through lately, I have come to understand those old cliches, "one day at a time". Each day is gift, that's why we call it the present. His mercies are new each day. Weeping comes at night, but joy comes in the morning...

So, while today is officially, in the natural world, my Birthday, I genuinely believe and feel like everyday is my birthday, because each morning I wake up, I am a new person, with a whole new day ahead of me. Something I have never experienced before.

Same for you! Yay!

Today has never happened before, just like the first ever day I experienced. Just like the first day we all experienced.

We all know the cliches such as, I don't need to celebrate just one day, "every day is Fathers Day, Mothers Day, Valentines Day, Christmas Day?..." Why don't we add "every day is my Birthday!" to that list? I've never been the biggest fan of cheesy cliches, but often that's because of my small-minded, cynical NZ cultured attitude. Ah yes, cynicism, the destroyer of hope. Not evidence of intelligence. I was wrong.

But they are often cliches because they are true! They can be deeper truths that most people never quite grasp or fully understand. A lot has to do with our busy, shallow, Hollywood, selfish culture, which discourages people from anything that is "too hard" (whiney voice).

Why can't we be new people every day, celebrating that we are alive. Why can't we celebrate that our friends and family are alive, after all, it's their birthday too if they want it! Why can't we celebrate together?

For many of us, this has been the hardest year of our lives. Earthquakes, lost city, lost family, lost friends, lost jobs, serious health problems, damaged homes, lost freedoms (I just got engaged;)),and that's just my list! But we can't focus on that stuff! As our Pastor Paul Bennetts said yesterday at church, if you lose your hope for the future, it's only a matter of time before bitterness takes you over (paraphrased). I don't know about you, but I can't stand hanging out with bitter people! I don't know how they can live with themselves 24/7!

All that's in the past, and can be hard to deal with, but we do need to eventually get over it. Often, It's not as simple as that. Get counseling, go to church, talk with your friends, pray or whatever, but you need to forget what is behind and press on to the future. Self pity would say, but that's too hard, don't you understand how I feel!? My life sucks, I feel like I've lost everything, you just don't understand...

Yes. I probably understand a little bit. God understands fully. Tell Him. If you don't believe in God, well that's your choice, but I know from experience, that you will never regret just one little prayer, when no one else is around to know you did it. You could be pleasantly surprised.

After all, it's your birthday isn't it!? I don't want to sulk all day in self pity so that others feel sorry for me! What a waste of a birthday! I know I've got lots left, but they do run out. That's the shocking news here folks, life is terminal. 100% of people infected with life will die. Thankfully, there's something else to look forward to after this life. A new, completely different life that none of us really have any idea will be like! Sweeeeeeet..... But as far as life as you know on this planet with these worn out old bodies, the clock is ticking. Will you keep wasting it?

I highly recommend not to.

Life is all about perspective. When people go up the mountains to enjoy the view, they don't go up there to stare at the ground beneath their feet!

It's the same with our lives. This world and our lives can be anything we want them to be. It just takes one choice to not follow our feelings, but let our feelings follow our choices!

Right, it's such a beautiful day outside, I'd better make the most of my birthday and get out there!

Happy Birthday Everyone!

Beautiful People

Hi guys!

Sorry it's been a bit of a hiatus between blogs, I've just not felt up to it. Imagine being tired, then even more tired, then having hair fall out, then even more tired, then earthquakes not letting you sleep, then recovering from a major craniotomy, being on chemo and RT, finding out dad as lung cancer and can't drive either, taking 17-18 pills per day in the right order at about the same times each day, going to hospital five days a week, having blood tests all the time, can't work, drive, or you've heard it all before. Now I have so much respect for others who have gone through the same in their lives. Especially those who have stayed positive!

Another huge thanks to all the people taking me to hospital and supporting me! We'll get there! In fact, I haven't had a day since October 30th, when this all started, where I haven't had a visitor! That's tough for a raging introvert like me ;) Good job!

I think I have far too many friends;)

Some are incredible cooks, some extremely funny, some incredibly caring, some powerful and effective prayers, some good listeners, some inspiring, some great parental, sisterly and brotherly figures, some encouraging... No one's perfect, but some of you are pretty close to it in certain areas of your life. I guess when we have such a wide circle of friends then we get all we need to live a good life! Now, with what's happening, I understand that even more!

I have long heard that beauty is on the inside. That has taken on a whole new meaning lately.

Don't isolate yourself, invest in relationships, coz when the time comes for that term deposit to mature, you will be richly rewarded. Conversely, if you keep you to yourself and don't make any investments in others (also known as selfish/ self-centered etc) then you will probably find life much harder and less enjoyable than it could have been? What do you reckon?

Anyway, I got sidetracked...

So, just to update you all... I am balding in the front left of my head, as a result of the radiation treatment, which also makes me very thirsty and tired. It's a bit like sunbathing all day and drinking no water. You feel wasted most of the time. The treatment only takes a couple of minutes, but has long term effects.

The chemo usually makes people nauseous, tired etc, but so far I am handling that pretty well. Obviously, with both treatments running concurrently, it's difficult to attribute the effects to one or the other, but in general, they are similar to each other. I shouldn't go completely bald like billiard ball, which is cool I guess, but hair is overrated and our attachment to it can highlight possible vanity in our lives. For guys anyway!

I am still the same person, but I now have a different haircut, have worse short term memory, am "fatigued" (that's the medical term) and have less of a "filter" of what is socially acceptable to say. So I'm more blunt! So now I will occasionally tell you what I think, instead of what I'm supposed to say to be socially normal. Sorry about that. Get over it haha!

You still love me, right? :)

I hope so ;)

And if you don't, well I actually don't care!

Oh yeah, and I get sidetracked easily too. What was I talking about?

Good joke...

But it's true.

Oh yeah, I had a great time at Amelia and Jay's wedding last night. So did everyone else by the looks of it. Well done, all the best for your future together!

Back to me, coz it's MY blog! Get out of it!

So I've done four weeks out of six in my first stage of chemo and RT. Not feeling sick. Praise the Lord! Looking forward to a nice quiet day at home, partially in bed! Yippee!

Plan for the rest of today: will have a PowerNap! Wake up, will heat up some lasagna, watch a DVD, take some pills, fall asleep, wake up, take some more pills, someone will surprise me by knocking on the door, I will enjoy hanging out with them, they will go home, I will take more pills, drink another litre of water, heat up some homemade pies, watch tv, all while snoozing and repeatedly throwing my kitten off my face. Tomorrow I will wake up and do it all again.

Have just seen that there was a hot air balloon crash near Wellington. Puts things in perspective doesn't it?

Talk soon:)

Concrete Pills

Hello there...

Just got back from my third treatment at the hospital. So I've had three chemotherapy sessions and three radiotherapy (RT) sessions now. I'm not radioactive though and I never will be. Just in case you are wearing your lead undies when you hang out with me.

I don't feel any different yet. Actually, I probably feel better if anything, because I am finally doing something, instead of just waiting around and sleeping. I hope it lasts. I think it will, but I really have no idea! This is the first time I've had this happen, I'm no expert at all of this! My doctors were very encouraging, saying I could handle this well, seeing that I am relatively fit and healthy. It's been a long time since someone said something like that to me. I loved it!

Mr Fit N Healthy.

So three down, 27 to go! Thats 10% done! Bring on January 20th! Oh yeah, then a month break, and on my birthday (thanks for the gift) I start six more months of stepped up chemo... OK then, bring on August 20th! Not long to go!


Also, as an aside, if you are finding this whole thing weird and don't know what to say to me or maybe you are uncomfortable and don't know how to talk to me or anything like that, just don't worry! I am still the same person and I love joking around, so maybe you could spend some time thinking up a good tumour or cancer joke and break the ice that way. I am a bit tireder than normal, and want to be alone often so I don't get annoyed with people, but when I'm at church or other social gatherings, like dominating on the backyard cricket front, just be the same and chat about it. I need to talk about it to process and try to figure all this out as well. I can't do that if you won't talk to me! But it's not really a big deal! Just bringing it up in case :)

The fact is, most people whinge about headaches, sore throats, coughs, tiredness, exams, relationships, being poor, being hungry, having an old cellphone, not winning on a computer game, poor refereeing, slow drivers, cold French fries, bird poo on my nice expensive car, rain, heat, cold,

...everything!

I'd like to say "get over it!"

Or possibly, "get over yourself!"

"how dare they drive so slowly in front of me! Do they not know who I am? I'm the centre of the universe! My wants, needs and desires are above all else! I'm gonna overtake them and give them the evils... Oh... It's my Pastor..."

"Hi!" *forced smile and fake wave accompanied by guilt*

I think, if I can handle cancer and other people can handle things far, far worse than that, like when Jesus was tortured and nailed to a cross, then prayed for those who were doing it! we can all probably handle things with a better attitude without getting all snotty and whinging. I'm just saying. To myself as well! Maybe there's something in your life that you could decide to get over?

The End

Oh and by the way, the doctors told me I could be a bit more random now, what with half of my brain being somewhere overseas now. Good luck following my random rants...

That was supposed to be just a quick sidetrack...

I guess what I'm trying say is, I have started. I am a chemo and RT patient. But I still feel normal. Just tired, which can occasionally make me a bit slow. I still haven't had a headache for literally months, or possibly years, it's been a very long time anyway. There's no nausea. Possibly because I have had several anti-nausea tablets today with my chemo, or maybe because I've had thousands of prayers! I reckon a combo of both is a good bet ;)

Thanks for the support, and thanks for reading these blogs, it is actually very encouraging for me to know that hundreds of people care enough to spend time reading my updates! It makes me feel quite good, if I'm gonna be honest!

TTYL (that's me mocking text speak)... LOL

Today...

Today is the day.

I had surgery four and a half weeks ago. Today I go to hospital to start my radiation therapy and my chemotherapy, as well as two more meetings this morning. All going well, I should be home before five this afternoon. Cancer treatment seems like a full-time job!

Thanks for your prayers and meals and other help. I have enough meals for this week. You know who you are :)

So the info from the oncology staff (which is basically the cancer department) is that the first few days should be ok, but then I will start losing my hair and getting extra tired. I will have nausea, irritability, permanent sunburn, possible infertility, weight change, and other positive side effects! But at least I'm alive right?

My good friend Andy Marshall isn't. Yesterday would have been his 30th birthday. But he was murdered in Perth, Western Australia, in May this year by someone associated with a bikie gang (allegedly). So I have a pretty bad problem, but I am still here to enjoy my life as best as I can, so you won't hear me complaining! I'm just grateful to still be alive, even though it's going to be tough for a few months. At least I have that time, which so many people haven't!

So I miss Andy. Nowhere near as much as his family, who it was great to see yesterday, but I will notice him not being around this summer as we have a few days of BBQs, backyard cricket and goofing around. It's so unfair, especially for such a great family. But thats life, we just have to get over it, if and when we can, with the help of our friends and family.

See you again, Andy. Not for a while though ;) I still have work to do!

50 years should be enough please. Thank you.

Yeah... Having said all of that, and as positive as I am determined to be, this whole situation absolutely sucks! I hate it. I want a nice family and kids and house and long enjoyable life that 'everyone else' seems to have. I am still hoping for that. I am still believing for that. But physically, my present reality is that I may only have a couple of years, maybe five or so, to live. I'm unhappy about that. Considering a year of it will be in hospital, while my friends keep having kids, great careers, planning their nice long lives together...

But as I was thinking yesterday, I would rather have five inspiring, legacy leaving years than 50 years where I am just another sheep following the crowd. I would rather be awake and live than asleep and live. That's what all of this has done. I am now awake. It was a wake up call. Stop mucking around being a good person, pleasing people so everyone likes you. That half assed life is a waste of time and will just be pretty much useless in the big scheme of things. Sort it out and get off your white picket fence! Sitting on it is a pain in the $@&!

Ooh, he said "assed"...

Get over it you religious hypocrite

*careful James, you are preaching!*

Oops

But it's still true.

Good point.

I'm a hypocrite too. Not all the time though ;)

Yes.

Internal dialogue finished.

So let's have a shower, and go take some poison and radiation to save my life for a few more years. I'll be back here soon to let you know how it all goes. Short term pain for long term gain. Please pray for strength, it's working so far! I will need more for the next few months.

Thanks family.

Appointlessments.

All right then, I'll write another blog... It's been a few days hasn't it.

Went to the hospital this afternoon, to start my treatments. To cut a long story short, they weren't organised. So they said sorry. We will try to start your radiotherapy and chemo next Monday instead. It's a bit frustrating, considering I was supposed to start last Monday, and things just keep getting delayed because the various departments haven't communicated and coordinated with each other. I've organised drivers and attended two pointless appointments at hospital in the last few days. In addition to this, they have also changed all of my treatment times twice.

I call them "appointlessments".

Also, today one of my radiotherapists said that I may not need chemotherapy after all! I've learnt by now just to wait and see thanks. Life doesn't have to be a roller coaster. Just focus on the hope you have for your future and do what you have to to get there. You don't have to go up and down with every little bit of news that you are given. I acknowledge it, I don't live in denial, but I don't let my moods and emotions follow what other people tell me. That's like being lost at sea and blown around by the wind and waves. Anchor your soul with hope. You don't have to drown in an ocean of negative emotions.

Ooh, I like that...

But, all of this disorganization is understandable, considering Tony Ryall is the minister of health, the man in charge at the top. Bless his heart...

But I jest. Forgive me ;)

In actual fact, the staff at the hospital couldn't be more pleasant to deal with, I have had nothing but great service, which has exceeded my expectations and made things far easier than I would've expected. You should try it out some time. Maybe fake some serious health problems and enjoy the ride. Especially the jelly and icecream. It needs to be seen to be believed.

Also, my friends and family have brought a tear to my eye by how much care they have shown me. If I haven't thanked you or returned your texts and calls, sorry, consider this your thanks. I have had so many offers of help, it has almost overwhelmed me! I guess if I was to say one thing, it would be that I need your help for a few months yet. I will be at hospital every day. I will prob lose my hair and be sick. My sickness benefit starts this week and it's only about the same as my mortgage payments each week, so it's gonna be tough to get by. Not just this week! But much of next year as well.

So, please don't forget me, but on the other side, one or two meals a month, or rides, or visits etc and I will be a busy boy! Also, I am pretty exhausted after around 8pm, so I'm sorry if I come for dinner and then zone out on the couch! Maybe earlier dinners would work best...?

Just some helpful hints that I have learnt in the last few weeks. Lol

Yeah, you all know that life sucks some times, I'm not the only one to have had serious health problems, but no matter how bad things get, there are always so many more things to be thankful for and to enjoy. Im tired, but I don't have to cook tonight! I have to go to hospital again tomorrow, but I get to see my best mate! Etc

Life's not about comfort, that a lie. It's about loving God and loving other people, and that's not always comfortable! But I'm so glad that people love me, and that God loves me. I can't imagine going through this without them.

It's all worth it in the end

Wait Issues

Hello...

Last Friday, I went in for another MRI. This was a post operative scan to see how the surgery went, and from those results, the medical staff could plan my future treatment. Originally, I was scheduled to come in on Monday the 5th of december, to have my first session of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, but after the results of the MRI, they put this back until thursday the 8th of december. Although I am getting a bit sick of waiting around at home, I am still happy with this news. This tells me that the six weeks, then six months of follow up treatment, although important, is not urgent. In other words, if I had some stuff still left in my head that urgently needed to start coming out, then they would've got me in there to get started. So the delay is actually good news, even though it drags things out for a few more days. Thursday 8th of December at 2pm is now the first session. Then 1:50pm on Friday. Looking forward to it...

In case you're wondering, each time I go in for a treatment session, I get a free car parking voucher to put on the car's dashboard. So we don't have to pay for parking! Good! basically, it will work like this: you drive around to the Oncology Department, drop me off, I go in, I get the voucher, I come out (to the car...), give you the voucher, then you go find a car park while I go in and wait. Then you come in and wait, or do whatever you want for a few minutes, like go get yourself a coffee, or some personal grooming, or do some donuts in the car park etc... Or you could come in and wait in the waiting room. We'll see what works best?

Then... Every weekday for six weeks, I have to go in for treatment. Usually this will take no more than one hour at a time, then I can go home and relax again. This will go all the way through Christmas holidays until late January. Ive had a few very generous offers of assistance, so thanks to those people, (you know who you are!) I owe you big time! They have given me the times for the following week as well, but as these could possibly change, I will just keep these to myself for now. Maybe next week I will broadcast them into Blogland for my knights in shining armour to come and rescue me. Thank you in advance to all those who can help.

Following this initial six week intensive schedule, I have six months of chemotherapy. This involves taking pills every day for a week, then having three weeks off to feel sick etc. Just as I start to feel better, I have to take the pills again for another week. And so on. For six months. Yay... That will be fun... I don't know too much about this stage of things, so I'll just leave it at that. Also, I am taking four pills each night to stop me having another seizure. Working so far ;)

Oh yeah. No driving for 12 months. Time I sorted out my bike! If I'm allowed to that is!

So, lots of waiting. No going out. Lots of time sitting on the couch. Getting SkyTV installed tomorrow. Can't afford it. Will just have to make some cutbacks somewhere, but as I am no longer doing a physical job, hopefully I can adjust my diet to eat less and spend less on food. Don't want any wait issues. I've got a marathon to run ;) A very good friend has shouted me a Fatso DVD subscription, which I have already ordered about 30 movies from! My cousin dropped off dozens of movies yesterday as well. Id better stop there, coz i'll forget someone! I love the advice I am getting from those who have been here before, so thanks for that, I really appreciate your help, even if I have lost a bit of my short term memory at the moment and forgotten to thank you each individually! God won't forget, even if I seem to for a while. I am honestly touched by your acts of love and kindness. I'll pay you back... Honest... :p

Waiting has thrown up all kinds of issues. (maybe not the best weigh of putting it). (yes my spelling mistakes are intentional). ( more bracketed comments)

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, sunbathing. Please pray for sunshine so I can lie around outside on my deck and get rid of my nasty ankle tan lines. I have been working on these for about five years, so I don't expect fast results, but considering I have a few months of resting at home, I intend to pursue them until the bitter end. White feet are not cool, and now is the hour for their demise. They have had their time in the sun (or not) and that has come to an end. If you wish to say goodbye to my white feet, send me a text and you can come and visit them. They won't be here forever, so don't take them for granted.

Ooh, I think I see some blue skies starting to break through.

I have work to do!

Yippee!

Hello again,

What an interesting last four weeks eh! Today marks the four week anniversary of when it all began. Hard to believe it's only been four weeks. Feels like so much longer...four weeks ago, I knew nothing. Now I stand on the verge of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, daily sickness and tiredness.

As previously stated in earlier blogs, I'm not exactly happy that this has happened to me! But there's no point in sulking about it and wallowing in my bad news. More to the point, two good friends are getting married tomorrow, which is very exciting, and I don't want to draw any attention away from their special day. That would be very selfish and arrogant and I want no part of anything like that!

Furthermore, if you have the temptation to feel sorry for me and become a martyr, then I would rather that you stay away from me. That may sound harsh, but believe me, the last thing I want to do is spend all of my energy trying to cheer up everyone else! I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't expect you to either :)

My life is not over. I'm here for a while yet. Maybe even longer than you! So let's just enjoy our lives together and get over your need to be needed. Don't get me wrong, I need practical help with meals and DVDs and stuff like that, but I would rather you come over and just have fun. If I'm feeling a bit down, just ride it out. It won't last too long!

Consider this your warning ;)

Yeah, the bible tells me that it's good to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. In other words, if I'm fine, don't drag me down, just be fine too, please... If that's too hard for you, then you don't have to come over! And if I'm feeling a bit stink, then don't make it worse by ignoring that and telling me to get over it! If that's your attitude, then you can go find some other friends thanks...

Ooh, I like telling people off hehe...

Tomorrow, at the wedding, it is going to be a day of celebration! I am looking forward to enjoying the day with all of my friends. I don't mind if you ask me how I am, don't feel uncomfortable, it's nothing to feel weird about. I am more than happy to talk to you about it, but as long as you remember that tomorrow is all about the two people getting married and you rejoice with them. Because I am getting my haircut and dressing up in my suit and I'm gonna have a great day celebrating with my friends! Lets have a great time together and rejoice with our friends. They are awesome and this is their big day! I hope they love every second!

I have a couple more weddings in the New Year that I plan on going to and having a great time at as well! They will be fun too! I may be bald by then, but I will still do my best to enjoy myself! Bald people are people too. Don't judge me... Lol

So, for those who I will see tomorrow, let's have a great day celebrating together. And for those who I won't see, why don't you do something that you enjoy? Get your bike out and pump up the tyres, and disappear into the forest, or do some baking with the music cranking, or mow the lawns in your shorts, or have a BBQ and get your friends over... The list is endless!!!

See you tomorrow, or Sunday, or just whenever :)

Live your life!

Will You Open Your Gift?

Well, I had another meeting at hospital yesterday. It was at 12PM. It took just under an hour. It was with my doctor. Not my surgeon. That was the day before. The doctor said mostly similar things, but was a bit more precise with the prognosis. Where my surgeon, who did the operation, told me I have between 2-10 years, my doctor told me that I probably have about 3 years left before the tumour returns and takes my life.

Not good news. But you know what? I don't care what the doctor says. Sure, I respect their opinion etc, but I have faith that I can keep on living for many more years! Yep, I could be completely wrong. But you know what... If I decide that I have three years, then I will end up waiting around to die. I will end up focussing on how long I have left and it may very well become a self fulfilling prophecy.

What's the point of that!

I could very well out live many of you reading this, the only difference is that I have some warning about when it may happen. You may just have a heart attack or choke on your wife's brownies, and then it's all over!

In a week or so, I start my chemotherapy and radiotherapy, where my hair will start to fall out and I will want to sleep for a couple of months, but that's all part if the adventure isn't it? I have a chance to write my 'bucket list' and live the last years of my life to the fullest! Time to make a difference. Time to leave a legacy. Time to change people's lives.

I'm sure that this may be quite hard for you to get your head around, trust me, I know! Try getting your head around something that is literally inside your head! It's raining at the moment. Will this be the last time I see rain? Should I go outside and sit in it? How do I handle this? Maybe I have 30 years left? Who knows! I have been told I have about three. What does that mean? Do I? How do I spend the time I have left? I take my kiwisaver out and make some memorable plans! That's one decision I have made!

Why me?

Why NOT?

This is such a valuable opportunity that I am grateful to have been given. Sure, I would gladly swap for someone else and live for another 50 years! And that could very well happen! But there's also a chance that it won't happen. I have to be real about it as well as live by faith. I'm not stupid. But I also realize that God is the only one who really knows what is going to happen! I can focus on what I want to happen, I can pray about it and set goals and so on, but ultimately, it's all up to him. I have decided to just accept his plan, and make the most of this warning I have been given!

My attitude is "let's just do it!"

What's yours? You don't have forever you know. Maybe you could decide to stop living like you do? Make the most of today. Every day you wake up and get out of bed is a gift. The Present.

Will you open your gift?

A Blog of Two Halves

Hello family...

I just checked this morning, and I now have over 2000 pageviews on my blog. Congratulations. Thank you.

Went to bed in fine, warm conditions, and woke up to some decent rain. That's a nice change. Ah, so, how about that weather eh? Yaaaaawwwwnnnnn.."

So, more importantly, I have an appointment at the hospital at 10AM, with my surgeon. MY SURGEON. Yeah, I have my own brain surgeon, because I am a person of such high significance these days. Miss Jackson is her name. We go way back. Weeks at least. Ah the memories. Such good times we have shared together. I spent two minutes with her, while she has spent an entire day with me, cutting my head open while I was asleep, but still, it was quality time together that I will never forget. Or maybe I will? I can't remember actually. My bad. Where am I?

So, I am getting a lift to hospital in an hour or so, and don't really have any idea about what to expect. Could be good news, could be bad news.

I will go have a shower now, and get prepared. Of course, I am prepared in my head and my heart, regardless, I will not get discouraged or let my head go down... Ahem... Nothing will knock my confidence, coz God will always be God and will always be in control. He's THE MAN!!!

I'll be back soon..............................................................................
...............................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

So. That was interesting. In a bad way. Bad interesting. This is difficult. Got my pathology results back from the lab in Sydney, and they were basically, bad news. I mean, they could've been much worse, but to get straight to the point, the best case scenario is that I have 7-10 years left before the tumour comes back and my life is ended. The worse case is that I have only two years left. But I refuse to even think about that! I have a couple of months of radiotherapy and chemotherapy every week day, then about six more months of chemotherapy. After all of that is done, there's no promises about how much longer I have. But at least I have something to do for the next year!

It will probably make me sick and weak and who knows what else, but at least I know where I'm going when this all works itself out!

Do you know where you're going? Coz it's not too late to decide. I had no warning, and you probably won't either, so now is a great time to choose! There's no better time to decide. Don't be a fool! It's all up to you...

Let me know what you think :)

Weak is Actually Strong

Hi there...

So, it's been pretty much a week since I woke up from my brain surgery, in recovery, not really with it, but glad it was all over! I remember the night quite clearly, because I had four I.V. Lines in my hands and feet, and the nurses were measuring my vital signs every two hours! I struggled to get any sleep, because I had been asleep for almost twenty hours with a couple of hours awake in between. I was still hooked up to a loudly beeping heart machine and had an automatic leg massaging machine constantly and repeatedly massaging my legs. And it just didn't stop. It went on and on. For hours. And all of the next day... I was beginning to wake up and realize where I was. I was still full of anesthetic and I knew that it was a slow road ahead. The food was reliable, if not spectacular, and it's clockwork appearance was a highlight of my days on that prison bed... I couldn't open my jaw to eat my icecream because the surgeons had butchered my muscles on the side on my head! I forgive them. Might stop me eating so much!

Friday night bought fish n chips! I can't tell you how exciting that was. I could have eaten five more meals!

But I didn't. Rightly so. Good decision...

So a couple of days later, the doctor came around and told me that I could go home on Saturday! What the!? I thought I had to spend a week in hospital recovering, yet two days later the all clear was given for me to go home! No one could believe it, but I wasn't really too surprised. I had faith. I was certain of what I had hoped for. I knew I was fine so just expected to go home... It wasn't a big deal...

So on Saturday, I left hospital and spent the weekend at Catherine's flat, then progressed back to my own house after a couple of nights. My face at this stage was completely swollen and I couldn't see out of my own eyes! Gladly, this only lasted for three days and then I was back to normal! Normal looking anyway...

I still have dozens of staples in my head, from one sideburn across to the other, over the top of my head. I can't count them all... Will take a while to take them all out, hopefully that could be tomorrow, but not sure yet. Tomorrow, I go back in to hospital to set up my radiotherapy. I need to have a minimum of six weeks, every day at hospital of radiation being beamed into my brain to kill off any remnants of the tumour that has possibly been missed. I can't drive there myself. I need a ride there every day! There's a lot to organise...

Lucky I'm not allowed to work for a few months...

The doctor says six. We'll see about that...

So, thank you again. I have people bringing me meals. Driving me around. Visiting me. Praying for me. Writing encouraging messages. Making phone calls to me. Doing my housework. Giving me hugs. Sending me cards and emails. I am receiving more offers for assistance than I know what to do with! Please keep it up, I appreciate it, and I really do need it! It is actually pretty tough being stuck at home with no freedom and income and still the same expenses disappearing on a regular basis...

From now 'til New Years, I will be sitting here at home, every single day, until I can get enough energy to get back into the real world again!

Maybe I could write a book?

New Life

Hello.

I am still alive!

I get a second chance at my life now. Two weeks ago, the doctor came in to my hospital room and said, "you need urgent brain surgery". Ten days later, they had removed a significant tumour from my brain. Today, I am almost ready to go again! In fact, if I I had my sunnies, I would consider going out for dinner in an hour or two. Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but it just shows how quickly I feel I have recovered.

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of those who have shown care and prayed for me over these last couple of weeks. I have no doubt whatsoever that I would not be in such a great condition if you hadn't said your two cents worth! I know that some have given two thousand dollars worth, and some two cents worth, but that doesn't matter one single bit to me! Maybe it was the one short prayer from the innocent three year old that made all the difference? God doesn't care about quantity like we do! We make a big deal about our impressive shows of ability and wealth, and He couldn't care less about those things!

I even went outside today and did a bit of weeding.

My attitude would have impressed Him, probably not my weeding skills though, to be honest!

But that doesn't matter. Coz He loves me more than I could ever understand.

And He loves you more than you could ever understand. There's no need to impress Him anymore!

He's already incredibly impressed. Even more than that. Even more than that again...

And so on...


Time to rest, now that I finally understand that.