4:30am. Considering my recent sleeping patterns, this is a nice sleep in. I'm not complaining, after all it's just a side effect of the medication I am on, which is trying to kill me so that I don't die...
Just coz something feels bad, doesn't mean it's bad for you. Conversely, just because something feels good, doesn't mean it's good for you! They are unrelated. Some stuff that makes me sick, like Justin Bieber, Glee, and The Backstreet Boys is bad for you, but other stuff like chemo makes me sick, but is good for me.
Our feelings are a completely unreliable guide as to what's good and bad. Your feelings don't care about whats "right" or "best for you", etc, they can be the traitor within, caring only about themselves, and not you as a whole person.
Our feelings only care about feeling good. Not what's best for us. Don't be led astray by the lies of 'if it feels good, do it', or 'try before you buy'. These are just catchy sayings beamed out through the atheist media to a carefully and systematically dumbed down populace so that we are brainwashed into living a life with few boundaries, wielding a self-righteous battle axe that constantly whooshes "what about me, what about my rights", every time we blindly swing it, in our perpetually defensive mindsets, which are in that state because deep down, we know we are wrong, but the lies telling you to "do what you feel like, it's my right", "everyone else does it" (DO THEY REALLY?) are just too loud to ignore. Every time you listen to a thought and agree with it, it gets louder. A lifetime of the same thoughts gets pretty deeply ingrained and can take time to change.
This is made even more difficult when thousands of people like me have an antidote to this and keep it to themselves. Church is full of selfish hypocrites, that's why I go there, coz I'm one too, and I get help every week to try and not be one. The whole world is full of hypocrites too, people forget that, but it is harder to be a hypocrite when you don't actually have any real standards, that make you any different from anyone else.
That's some good writing there. Did anyone else just feel that small earthquake?
My mum would have. The world's best mum. Hi mum. Love you. Thanks, Aunty Trish for printing this out and taking it to mum so she can read it. She loves it. Or at least she pretends to, to make me feel good ;)
Here's one for ya: don't wait 'til you feel like doing something. Commit to it, then you will feel like doing it. Oprah won't tell you that one.
But really, who cares how I feel? Well, cliched as it is, because it's true, God does. I remember when I first started going to church, about ten years ago, in my early twenties, I didn't feel good at all! To qualify that, I still remember the very first time I went, because I felt this warmth, this life, light and unexplainable joy this feeling of being at home, they told me that was The Holy Spirit. Whatever that was? Ha ha! I was excited, and freaked out too! In fact, I only ever went to our smaller night service of about 100 younger people my age, for about three-four months, because I was far to scared to go to the morning service, with 5-600 people! I was actually physically sick on numerous occasions, because of the fear of the crowds. True story.
About a year or two later, I got up the front and spoke, was leading a small group and was playing drums in our band!
If I'd listened to and obeyed my feelings, who knows what a boring, empty life I would have now! I can't even imagine! As God says, "just taste and see, that I am good" but people don't do that because they don't want to lose their lifestyle, or friends, or they just love getting pissed and partying too much! Take it from me, that life feels good, I was an expert at excess, (three years at a politically correct brainwashing institution / University), but ultimately is just a bit of a band aid over a wounded heart, it will never make you truly happy or whole, but it will distract you weekend to weekend so that you never get around to living a full life. It is a life of treading water, buying time. I don't want to tread water, I want to walk on water... (metaphorically, not literally, for any stubborn, anti-Christian cynics still reading)
It's a gamble. You might lose things. You probably will lose friends and people will judge you. They are usually just jealous of your boldness, and afraid that their little world will be made a bit uncomfortable. I lost several friends. But I also kept several, and made hundreds more! Just like putting $1000 on a horse to win. Handing over the money has all sorts of mixed emotions, fear, excitement, anticipation, doubt, second guessing your decision, living in a state of what happens next... But when your horse comes in first place at odds of infinity to one, and there was actually only one real horse in the race and dozens of cardboard cutout images of horses, you will be overjoyed!
But it's your choice. I used to go to church for the first few months, hungover, or coming down off drugs, (sorry mum, it was years ago), with about two hours sleep. No one gave a crap! Probably, no one even noticed! Coz your heart is all that matters, and that's between you and God. Like I've said before, going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. But if you want to look after your car, it will always be in better condition in the long term, if you keep it in that garage.
My Dad hadn't been to church regularly for probably 40 years. His church was the hundreds of people who needed food, a bed for a while, money for bills, or for a car to get to job interviews. I don't even know half of the good he and mum did over the years, they just kept it all quiet. But sitting by his hospital bed a month or so ago, he knew where he was going, as much as anyone has any idea about it.
If there's no God in heaven, then we are just animals and would be free to just do what other animals do, eat, sex, kill, rape, fight, defacate in our beds, steal other people's stuff because I WANT TO! That whole macro evolution argument has more holes than my favourite undies. But people don't see them, because they DON'T WANT TO! and they are taught evolution as scientific fact, based on some old goats bone. Good evidence... Yeah...
That's so sad
God says "give me an honest go and see what happens". God is love. Love is a choice, and sometimes a feeling. It's your choice. He's already chosen you. Don't worry, our stupid feelings always catch up!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
A Sheep Choose Green Grass
Well, hello again!
I've been trying to write this blog for a couple of days, but it just wouldn't come together. At this point I cannot help but conclude that there is a rather crude similarity to what is happening in my physical body. I have been back on chemo for a week now, double the dose I was on previously in December and January. One of the side effects can be a change in bowel movements. Or should I say, a ceasing of the aforementioned digestatory patterns. Constipation. Yummy.
Writer's block = Constipation. Get it?...
But I will keep pushing hard, it has to come out. ( but not too hard...)
Don't want to pop a screw out of my skull and let my brain ( what's left of it ) leak out!
But I jest.
So the health update is that a week ago, I had another seizure and got taken to the Emergency Department for a few hours. In a wheelchair. By my very own beautiful nurse, Catherine. Ha ha, I got her, you didn't :P God is good! They did blood tests and all that, and gave me some strong painkillers, which I have needed all week, but now the pain feels ok again! Think "morphine". Good times.
This week I have had an MRI Scan, (waiting for results), five days of chemo, three needles and blood tests (these results looked good, thank you Jesus!) I'm on the mend! I have woken up between 3-4am each day. I have been so exhausted at times that I have turned my phone off for hours at a time. When I turn it on, there's always several missed calls and messages! Mission accomplished!
I don't mean to sound depressing, because the fact is, I am far from it! I've never felt more alive! Life has an urgency now. I don't waste my time with negative people. I have a wonderful fiancé, and best mates and we have the party of the century to organize! (Our wedding) and on that topic, the guest list is at 100ish and that's just close friends and family! No cousins, only a handful of close mates and the meal and bar tab is already costing $8000! Now I understand why I haven't been invited to every wedding I expected to over the years! What a rip off! But at least the after party will be big party good times! Rant over!
But as we all know, you only live once, today's the day to make the most of it!
If we wake up again tomorrow, the same thing still holds true.
Love The One who put you here, and love the ones He put you with.
It's only us and our selfish natures which make this difficult. And it's our choice to make it that way. If you disagree, you may be living in delusion. And by definition of "delusion" you wont have any idea that you are deluded. Its a trick of the devil. Some of you will be familiar with the quote that the devil's greatest trick was convincing people that he didn't exist. Possibly, even reading this paragraph wont make sense to you because he has been working very hard to confuse us all since before we were even born! If you are worried about this, then ask God to help you right now! You don't need to go to church to talk to God! Just like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car! Because life is actually very simple. But when we throw our selfish desires into the mix and plans and pride and insecurities, (which come from trying to figure out if we are "OK" Or acceptable, instead of just believing that we are coz God says so) life gets harder.
It's not what happens to you that determines if you have a good life. It's how you choose to respond to it that will determine how good your life will be.
Stop being a sheep, make your own decisions! It stinks being in the middle of a herd of sheep! Make your own mind up to stop following the crowd, and the view is much more spectacular, and the air is far more fresh and healthy. You never know. Other people might follow you and look up to you? And if they don't, well at least YOUR life will change.
Today's the day. If you're depressed, or if you're happy, your choices will keep you feeling the same way until you grow old and die. No one else is going to fix your life. That's up to you and God. He says I have a future and a hope. I choose to believe that every morning. Simple really.
I've been trying to write this blog for a couple of days, but it just wouldn't come together. At this point I cannot help but conclude that there is a rather crude similarity to what is happening in my physical body. I have been back on chemo for a week now, double the dose I was on previously in December and January. One of the side effects can be a change in bowel movements. Or should I say, a ceasing of the aforementioned digestatory patterns. Constipation. Yummy.
Writer's block = Constipation. Get it?...
But I will keep pushing hard, it has to come out. ( but not too hard...)
Don't want to pop a screw out of my skull and let my brain ( what's left of it ) leak out!
But I jest.
So the health update is that a week ago, I had another seizure and got taken to the Emergency Department for a few hours. In a wheelchair. By my very own beautiful nurse, Catherine. Ha ha, I got her, you didn't :P God is good! They did blood tests and all that, and gave me some strong painkillers, which I have needed all week, but now the pain feels ok again! Think "morphine". Good times.
This week I have had an MRI Scan, (waiting for results), five days of chemo, three needles and blood tests (these results looked good, thank you Jesus!) I'm on the mend! I have woken up between 3-4am each day. I have been so exhausted at times that I have turned my phone off for hours at a time. When I turn it on, there's always several missed calls and messages! Mission accomplished!
I don't mean to sound depressing, because the fact is, I am far from it! I've never felt more alive! Life has an urgency now. I don't waste my time with negative people. I have a wonderful fiancé, and best mates and we have the party of the century to organize! (Our wedding) and on that topic, the guest list is at 100ish and that's just close friends and family! No cousins, only a handful of close mates and the meal and bar tab is already costing $8000! Now I understand why I haven't been invited to every wedding I expected to over the years! What a rip off! But at least the after party will be big party good times! Rant over!
But as we all know, you only live once, today's the day to make the most of it!
If we wake up again tomorrow, the same thing still holds true.
Love The One who put you here, and love the ones He put you with.
It's only us and our selfish natures which make this difficult. And it's our choice to make it that way. If you disagree, you may be living in delusion. And by definition of "delusion" you wont have any idea that you are deluded. Its a trick of the devil. Some of you will be familiar with the quote that the devil's greatest trick was convincing people that he didn't exist. Possibly, even reading this paragraph wont make sense to you because he has been working very hard to confuse us all since before we were even born! If you are worried about this, then ask God to help you right now! You don't need to go to church to talk to God! Just like standing in a garage doesn't make you a car! Because life is actually very simple. But when we throw our selfish desires into the mix and plans and pride and insecurities, (which come from trying to figure out if we are "OK" Or acceptable, instead of just believing that we are coz God says so) life gets harder.
It's not what happens to you that determines if you have a good life. It's how you choose to respond to it that will determine how good your life will be.
Stop being a sheep, make your own decisions! It stinks being in the middle of a herd of sheep! Make your own mind up to stop following the crowd, and the view is much more spectacular, and the air is far more fresh and healthy. You never know. Other people might follow you and look up to you? And if they don't, well at least YOUR life will change.
Today's the day. If you're depressed, or if you're happy, your choices will keep you feeling the same way until you grow old and die. No one else is going to fix your life. That's up to you and God. He says I have a future and a hope. I choose to believe that every morning. Simple really.
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