I am a very independant person. I won't get into the reasons why I have turned out that way, other than to say I have always been like this and completely happy with my own company, often spending days on end without ever thinking of talking to someone else. I just hardly ever see the need! Of course there is a need, but some people are quite happy with their own company. After some research as to why I was like this, one of the terms that was shown to me was "free-spirited". Not the cheesy Hollywood hippy cliche, but someone who could quite happily spend his life just thinking about stuff...going with the flow... Anyway, being like this can make it hard for people who want to be close to you, and since verbally explaining things is not my strength, I thought this could help someone who finds me, or anyone else in their life, difficult to understand. It's some advice on how to handle a relationship with a very independant, free-spirited person who seems to just do whatever they feel like when they feel like doing it!
1. Get your priorities straight. What do you want most out of the relationship? Think about what your top three expectations are: Commitment? Respect? Honesty? Affection? Companionship? Passion? Security? Stability? A free spirit is not the kind to twist and turn to meet your every need (although some can at times, once they feel they can completely trust you). You'll have to make it simple for them by coming to an understanding of what you want most out of a relationship and asking for that, and nothing else.
2. Don't sweat the small stuff. Things like punctuality, precautions, and any other kind of minor limit or inhibition will be of no concern to an independent mind. They like to flow through life, following their whims - and this often makes them extremely creative and fascinating individuals, which is what probably attracted you to them in the first place. By imposing dams, as little as they may be, you could very well suffocate the qualities that make this person desirable to you, if you don't manage to scare them off first.
3. Choose your battles wisely. Don't nitpick. If they're 15 minutes late and you end up missing a movie, roll with the punches and see the next one. But if they're 45 minutes late to pick you up in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood, that's serious. In general, if it doesn't directly threaten the priorities you established in Step 1, then let it go and just enjoy the ride.
4. Avoid setting rules. Restrictions are like chains, and will send this wild horse running towards the horizon. Instead of saying, "Don't ever cheat on me," say "You'd be a complete idiot to risk losing such an awesome person like me just so you could get a little extra on the side."
5. Get to know the person inside out. Study their tendencies, their quirks, their deepest desires, and their worst fears. Always be accepting and open-minded. Knowledge is power. The better you know this person, the less you'll feel the need to control them. Moreover, he or she will sense this and feel like you're the only person who truly knows them and thus, the only person they can be their uninhibited selves around. To a free spirit, this is the jackpot.
6. Give them the benefit of the doubt. A person who values his or her independence will truly test your ability to trust. You need to determine early on whether or not you trust this person, and then trust them completely. Sure, you might get burned, but you also might capture the heart of a person that no one else could touch.
7. Get in touch with your own free spirit. Don't sit at home, wondering what he or she is doing, or when they're going to call. Get in your car and take a road trip. Visit an old friend. Watch a new movie. Taste a different kind of food. Your free spirit will respect you for it, and feel a sense of kinship with you when you both get home and recount your adventures.
8. Appreciate their free-spiritedness. The number one condition that all free spirits demand of their relationships is acceptance. If you don't accept the free spirit, the free spirited person takes that as an assault on his/her freedom. If you accept them exactly as they are and place no expectations/conditions on them, then they can trust you. And only in trust can a relationship develop. Just remember that independence is something to be appreciated, not just tolerated, you'll be giving a free spirit exactly the kind of nourishment that it needs.
to be continued...when I feel like it...
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