While Destiny Church dominates national headlines and John Campbell gives himself an angry ulcer, an even more sinister threat is swooping underneath the radar. Under the guise of a pop-music video, Jesse Sheehan quietly infiltrates the hearts and minds of ordinary redheaded New Zealanders. Be very careful of this extravagantly afroed, guitar wielding leader. Judging by all reliable media sources, Jesse Sheehan aka "Bishop of the Fire" by those closest to him, is hellbent on world domination.
Campbell Live has already captured footage of dozens of hardcore followers marching behind Bishop in an angry and robotic fashion, and has obtained documents pertaining to a "First Vegetables Offering". The first vegetable was rumoured to be the humble carrot. The small North Island town of Ohakune has been quick to distance itself from Bishop's actions.
"We love our carrots in Ohakune" a spokesperon said. "They help us see in the dark. I only hope that those Redheaded New Zealanders who have fallen in behind Sheehan will be able to see clearly in the darkness that this man has conjured up in their lives".
Asked whether he thought this Red Army would pose a significant national threat, the spokeperson was hopeful. "All we need is more people like Bishop to King Checkmate Tamaki to take the Red Army leaders in and teach them how to be good fathers and family men. That would be the only way to quench this wildfire, which is already threatening many homes".
We attempted to contact the Red Army leaders today, but were turned away at the door. The Red Army Media Liason Officer later commented: "Leave us alone, it's not our fault we have a recessive gene that has been ridiculed for centuries by the insecure masses. Let us make our video and then please, buy our cds. We are not an army, we are a collection of musicians and interested parties tied by our bond of having red hair. Stop picking on us. It is bordering on rascism".
Needless to say, the police and military will be keeping a close eye on this latest phenomena. The only thing worse than an angry ginger is dozens of angry gingers wanting to be taken seriously. I'm glad I don't live in Scotland.
No comments:
Post a Comment